Glenborough: The sexiest thing a woman can wear

*When you're done here, make sure to check out bcase, Treehorn, and Stu's arguments*


When I'm facing a really tough question like this, what I like to do is sit back, turn on the radio, and relax my mind. I take a deep breath and let the music guide me through the vast jungle of thoughts whipping in my head like trees in a storm. And you know what? The music has spoken, my friends. It's spoken Loud And Clear.

"Imma get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight"

–Katy Perry, Teenage Dream 

"Blue jean baby
Painted on tight, driving me crazy
Denim daisy
Turning heads all over town
The other girls rocking them mini skirts
But they can't hold a candle to her
My blue jean baby"
–Scotty McCreery, Blue Jean Baby

"Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin' at her"
–Flo Rida, Low 

I could stop right here if I wanted to. These three lyric selections say it all. You've got mainstream pop, solid country, and R&B(?). Jeans are so pervasive, they've found a place at the top of pretty much every culture in America, and they've held that spot for decades.  They defy cultural stereotypes, and they do so because of two very important reasons: they're sexy as all hell, and they're unendingly versatile.

I don't need to describe to you the heart-skipping burst of joy you feel when you see a girl murdering a pair of jeans. They way they seem to defy logic, so tight that it looks impossible that they're even on... The waistline so low you can't help but imagine ripping them off... The way a girl's hips sway just right when they walk in 'em... When she bends down and you see a sliver, just a tiny bit, of what could be a thong... The cut-offs so short that the pockets pop out of the bottom... As bcase so graciously pointed out, this a phenomenon we've all been familiar with since we were googling "boobs" over dial-up.

What I have to do is tell you why they're better than the other garments you've been reading about. And, look, I'd have to be an idiot to deny the merits of the other choices. Anyone with two eyes and a dick can see that. Cocktail dresses are so hot at fancier functions. Leggings absolutely crush the late-morning, going-to-class scene. And on a day in, I can even appreciate a girl in a jersey, despite the fact that I don't own any. Yes, all the other choices are great... in the single situation they're applicable for.

That's the thing, though. They're all one trick ponies.

Jeans, on the other hand, couldn't be more different. Hey girls, you going to the beach on a hot summer day? Cut-off jean shorts are the only answer worth saying. Have to get up early and go to work? Throw on a pair of dark slim jeans, a nice blouse, and a matching fitted jacket, and you're golden. On your way to class? Why not whip out those faded skinny jeans that are tight in all the right places, pair 'em with your most comfortable Uggs and that band t-shirt you cut the collar off of? You'll have the professor drooling.

Winter, spring, summer, fall. Laid back, sophisticated, slutty. Going out, staying in. Jeans are always an option. The best option.

*When you're done here, make sure to check out bcase, Treehorn, and Stu's arguments*