bcase: The Sexiest Thing a Woman Can Wear

bcase: Cock-Tail Dresses

Welcome to the Legends Suite here at the Finer Things Club. My name is bcase, and I’ll be your host tonight. I’ll be coming by shortly with a couple of complimentary mai-tais on the house, but for now I urge you to delve into our preferred musical selection for this evening and enjoy your time here as I graciously bring you my argument for the cocktail dress. Not only as to why they're my favorite garment for women to wear while they enjoy themselves here, but also why the cocktail dress is the crown jewel of women’s fashion.  

The reasoning behind my choice here tonight comes down to two simple factors, tradition and occasion. But before I get into all that and close the door on this argument for the rest of time, I’d quickly like to acknowledge my fellow Nard House brethren for their contributions. We all grew up on jeans in middle/high school, so props to Glenborough for the representation there. Cut-off, frayed-out mini shorts re also just DIABOLICAL. Solid choice. Stu picking leggings is such a new-guy move I can’t even believe it, but goddamn do I respect it. When chicks made the transition to just rocking leggings 7 days a week, it was a glorious day for us all. Comfort and butts, that’s what leggings do. Love ‘em. And how about Treehorn smashing the mold with his jersey selection. Didn’t see it coming but I’ll be god damned if I don’t smash a chick in a Rangers sweater and booty shorts before God calls my number.

Now for the main event, the headliner, the bread winner of female garments, the cocktail dress. There’s a reason that in our early years many of us associate dresses with girls and pants with guys. It’s on bathroom signs, it’s in kids books, it’s the way the world works. Brides get married in dresses for a reason. You can go through any era of time, the hottest most important women of the time were wearing dresses.

You think Sinatra was crooning about broads in jeans when he would grace the mic? Does Marilyn Monroe become the cultural icon she has become wearing Lu-Lu Lemon? That’s a NARD on both counts. The dress is the pinnacle of femininity, and the cocktail dress has taken that to the next level.

“’ Tradition Never Graduates.’ – Legends “ – me about cocktail dresses

Now let it be known, the cocktail dress plays vastly different roles in the lives of single men and those of you in a relationship. We’ll explore both sides.

For me as a currently single young gentleman, the cocktail dress serves primarily as a preference and a barometer. If before walking into a bar I was given the choice of what the first girl I make eye-contact with is wearing? It’s a cocktail dress 100 out of 99 times. That’s the dream. Given the fact that that scenario has played out -1 times however, the cocktail dress is usually just an indicator of who the best looking, most confident girls in the place are on a normal weekend night. It’s a scientific fact that the hottest girl in every public establishment worth visiting on a Thursday-Sunday night is rocking a cocktail dress, and her slightly-easier-to-talk-to friends probably are as well.

We also all know what directly comes after a girl says, “Ugh, let me change into something more comfortable.” Well that line was invented in direct response to the tight-hugging nature of the cocktail dress. Call me a hero if you want, but I’m pretty sure I just proved beyond a reasonable doubt that girls are more likely to fuck after wearing one? Combine that mathematical fact with some pedestrian conversation and the indecency to run up a hefty bar tab, and the slightly-easier-to-talk-to friend is assuredly coming back to the crib.

As for those of you who are already spoken for, the cocktail dress is an enormous deal. It almost exclusively signifies an occasion of importance, which means you’re going to have to be on your best behavior. Whether it’s a friends’ birthday, a promotion, an anniversary or anything of the like, it’s 100% more important to her than it is for you and you basically just have to go along with what she says. Sounds awful right? NARD. It keeps you honest. Despite the initial responsibility, the dress switches everything up, and it’ll re-affirm why it was that you sat through the whole season of Orange Is the New Black and why you agreed to go to her family’s house for Christmas instead of your own. When she asks you “So, how do I look?” and you have the split second of disbelief like THIS girl lets me date her and usually have sex with her unless I said something incredibly stupid hours prior? It’s awesome. The cock tail dress fans the flame back to full tilt every time.

OR it’s an enormous wake-up call. She hasn’t fucked you in a while, gave you a hard time about watching football every Sunday since September and then when you see her after all the previously discussed hoopla about this particular occasion and suddenly it’s just like, what? What happened? I spend 68% of my day trying to get out of the doghouse THIS girl puts me in? When did this happen? When was the last time I wasn’t just going along with this? A flood light is cast over the entire relationship. Then the wheels start turning and you begin drafting an exit strategy.

So, to any girls reading this here’s a pro tip: If you’ve been spending a little more time in the dairy isle and a little less time in the gym, for whatever reason it is, and I understand there’s legit hormonal reasons that we could never understand*, just don’t give your guy a hard time for the few days leading up to a cocktail dress event. It’s pretty simple, cut and dry, we’re not hard to keep happy. Or if you’re just a sexy minx hitting those squats regularly and crushing quinoa then just keep running dude’s life, he ain’t going ANYWHERE.

And there you have it, folks. The Legends Suite is glad to have had the honor of hosting you this evening and spitting fire knowledge on the merits of the cocktail dress. Allow the rest of our servers to see you to your car.