Fuck Boy Starter Pack: 2015

I don't know a lick about fashion, let me just start there so this doesn't come off as preachy. I try to dress not-like-a-snob without crossing the line. I usually cross that line, but fuck it, style ain't free. I do also frequent stores enough to notice trends, and the changing styles of stuff the people on the sales floor are trying to shove down your throat.

It sucks. I'm so out on 99% of the stuff that's "in" it isn't even funny.

Another thing to get out of the way is the definition of a fuckboy, for our purposes today. I know it means different things in different circles, but for me in 2015 it's anybody who starts a gofundme page, artificially embraces "urban culture" for the irony of it and/or wears any of this shit.

We all know one. Fuckboys are Diet Hipsters, they just aren't smart enough to be full-calorie hipsters. You know the kid who incessantly posts pizza memes and has a Lil' B quote as his instagram bio? Tried to get you to listen to OFWGKTA 18 months ago saying they were the best thing going? That's a fuckboy. Kinda like the new version of scene kids, a little less sketchy, a little more entitled and equally as useless to society.

Let's start at the top,

The 5 Panel Cap-

These hats are the worst. They're not comfortable, give your head a PREPOSTEROUS shape, and they make you look like an absolute dickhead. There's not even a logical reason behind wearing one because with that tiny fucking brim the sun is still gonna steamroll your eyeballs without sunglasses. Instead of speaking loud enough for me to hear your uninformed vitriol about the shortcomings of whatever authoritative state you woke up with a problem with today, why don't you go play freeze tag on a highway? Win win for everyone who has ever met you.


Anything Stussy-

Stussy shit is the absolute WORST. I don't know what it is about it, the black/white/grey color scheme they use maybe? The fact that they make everyone look like an ASAP Rocky halloween costume? The retarded shape of their clothes? (Do you even sleeves bro?) No clue. Just drives me insane. A bunch of try-hards doing try-hard things. Probably my least favorite of all fuckboy trends because it's the most infallible. One in a million chance anybody wearing Stussy clothing is a worthwhile human being, and that's being generous.


Camo Pants-

GET DOWN! TRENCHES TRENCHES! RETREAT! Wait... wrong camo setting my bad. Are these guys defending our country or posing like dickheads?

Dickheads? Dickheads it is.

I mean christ almighty where do you begin? The camo pants look is just shit. Like those are 3 way over the top but acceptable outfits in my opinion with a pair of khakis. You throw on fucking camo like your fucking Lieutenant Dan though and I can't wish enough bad things on you. Get a clue.

(Double Standard - Anything camo on chicks is fire. Is that girl gonna be wifey material? No, almost assuredly not, but that doesn't diminish how good it can look when done correctly.)

Toms-

I kinda always thought rocking Toms was like a discrete smoke signal for gay guys which signified they were taken, single, DTF or whatever. (Red = Taken, Blue = Single, Green = DTF, Black = Ask To Find Out.)

Guess I was wrong though? I've seen guys with girls wearing them, which is infuriating, flabbergasting and also just downright hilarious. I mean, what the fuck. Probably the least masculine thing any guy can wear, and the fact that that is an intriguing endeavor for girls is reminder #15651656 why they're impossible. If you can pull tail in Toms I almost respect you for playing from behind, but then again I don't at all. Whatever.

So there it is, a quick outline of what to look out for in the perpetual avoidance of fuck boys.