An open letter to girls with glasses

Dear Girls With Glasses,

There are really only two types of girls in this world: girls who look great in glasses and own it, and girls who look great in glasses and deny it.

To the former, good for you. I thank you for your honesty, and I couldn't agree more. Keep doing what you're doing.

To the latter, come on. You can't be serious. Glasses are like the magic be-all end-all of accessories. They're simultaneously smart, mysterious, and damn fucking sexy, all while serving a legitimate, medical purpose that improves your life! That's like having hot ice. It shouldn't be possible. But it is, and it's glorious. If you've got something that good, there's no other course of action you can take except to embrace it.

If you're self conscious about your eyewear, don't feel bad. Everybody has doubts. It's totally natural. But, you should know, that dude who called you four eyes in second grade and made you cry? Ten years later, he's the one staring at your top notch glasses-framed visage from across Mr. Wright's English class with an open mouth and a notebook in his lap. And when you take those glasses off and bite one of the ends in concentration, and then put them back on reaaaal slow, you better believe he's losing his shit. No joke, this took me twice as long to write because I got sidetracked for an hour looking up pictures of girls in glasses.

Don't bother messing around with contact lenses, either. You don't want to stick your finger in your eye, I don't want you to stick your finger in your eye, and you can be damn sure your eye doesn't want you to stick your finger in it. Plus, giving glasses some love won't be that hard for you anyway because chances are you've already got a pair. This is a phenomenon I like to call the Spectacular Expected Spectacle Ownership by Respectable Females.

Basically, what that means is that 98% of girls in the world already own a pair of glasses. I don't know how that even happened, but it's true. Show me a girl who says she doesn't have a pair of glasses she throws on during a lazy Sunday or before bed or after waking up, and I'll show you a liar. All I'm asking is for you to give those specs a little breathing room. Let 'em shine. Take 'em out for some fresh air! You'll feel great, you'll see great, and you'll look great.

In short, give me glasses or give me death!*

Thanks for listening. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Yours truly,
Glenborough

*This is a gross exaggeration and should be entirely disregarded.