I Need A Blowjob

(Outfit on FLEEK)

I don't know what the fuck I just watched. The Presidents Cup Trophy winners, 7-0 All-Time at Home Rangers just took a loss down their leg. I fell for this team, hook, line and sinker but they came out like a bunch of DOGS tonight. TB played an amazing game, they deserved to win that game 11/10 times. Every loose puck, they were there. Just disappointing. Needed the Rangers, needed the escape for a little longer. Goddammt. More when I'm not 6 feet under myself. Fuck. 

Here We Go Again

 

Death, Taxes, and the Rangers playing a Game 7 at home, this time for the chance to play the Ducks/Hawks for Lord Stanley's Cup. 

Derrick fucking Brassard showed up tonight, and Rickie Nash did as well. Joined by JT Millerthose motherfuckers played lights OUT. By far our best offensive line, and when those guys are playing the way they have tonight nobody else left in the bracket can hang. 

So... Here we have it. The King back in net in Game 7 in MSG. Nash coming off a big game, the rest of the kids hitting real hard and playing with confidence. Say what you want, Rick Nash is our most important player on Friday. When he's making the most of opportunities this is an impossible team to stop. Unfortunately, im not holding my breath, this is his chance thought. To write his name in Ranger Blue and White on this town. After an incredible regular season, it's time for a signature Game 7. 

This is a FUN fucking team, and the Lightning are a more than formidable foe. If there was ever a time to break from tradition, Friday night is NOT it. Let's. Fucking. Go. Rangers. 

Knicks Lock Up the Fourth Pick. Fuck Everything.

Fuck. I mean, there's not a lot to say. The crew of fucking dogs the Knicks trotted out last year decided to win 3 out of their last six and do everything in their power to ensure this fate. Franchise in ruins, incompetent coach, front office is a joke and the highest paid player is on the wrong side of 30. Go NY Go NY Go!

Fisher- I fucking hate Derek Fisher, playing the end of the season to win was a fireable offense. Guy is completely overmatched. Melo will oust him in less than 30 games next year, no point in even bringing him back. Guy sucks. 

Phil- the Zen Master has roughly 100 days to put something together or he can kick the curb too. When it's all said in done, his hiring may go down as the most over-hyped, over-blown move on Knicks history. That is saying ALOT. 

Melo- gotta hope he can accept that this is the bed he made, and work towards moving forward as the elder statesman.  I've always been a Melo guy, but you just gotta realize that now we're stuck with eachother and make the best of it, this situation sucks. 

And there we have it. Wouldn't wish being a NYK fan on my worst enemy.

Hey Ovi, Get Fucked

What a game. What a series.What a feeling it is to know that the King is leading the Blueshirts onward to Lord Stanley's Cup while this prick takes a vodka bath in a Russian shemale brothel. Seriously, I'm absolutely shocked at how much I hate Alex Ovechkin but I can't help it. Everything from the "All Series" bullshit he was talking in Game 1 to the proclamation after Game 6, drinking his tears is repentantly satisfying. If we're being honest, 89% of it stems from his being Russian and my feelings towards that entire country. If you're a Russian and anything besides a blonde bombshell whose sole purpose on Earth is to look good, stop breathing my air.. The communism, the lack of societal etiquette, everything, FUCK Russia and Fuck Ovi most of all. What a rush.

Now on to the game. Not much to say, just grit and fucking balls. Motherfuckers laying out, taing hits, taking pucks, clearing the zone at all costs, it was magnificent. It was precisely what I don't get from the other major sports that I follow these days, heart. Fucking hockey, it's the best. Blueshirts were outplayed the entire first, held serve and had the advantage in the 2nd and 3rd, put on a poster in the early parts of OT and then BOOM, Stepan the silent assassin ends it. Give that guy a contract so I can invest in a jersey for Christ's sake. The unsung hero in so many ways in so many big spots, pay the man.

Tonight was one of those moments when after the dust settled, I sat back down, the group chat mayhem subsided, that I was reminded how lucky we are to have sports. The downs are aplenty, but the ups, man, the ups are like nothing else in the world. There are three instances that I've come across in my 22 years that make me imagine that "Can't Tell Me Nothin" is ACTUALLY playing behind me as I meander around my surroundings cocky as fuck:

1. Nailing a Job Interview - Sure call me a square, but this is awesome. Sets the tone for your entire week. It's a fleeting excitement, work is soul-crushing, but for that moment in time you're feeling yourself no doubt.
2. Nailing a Chick - Self--explanatory. Whether you're getting off the shnide and snapping a cold streak or extending a hot streak, slaying some strange is the best.
3. Playoff Success - You have no control, it shouldn't matter to you all that much, but it does. It's what separates humans from animals and ultimately men from women. As a red-blooded, sports obsessed American male, we care on a level which is absurd, stupefying and downright laughable, but can't help it. There is nothing on the world quite like the rush of your team winning big when the stakes are high.

Braden Holtby played his BALLS OFF, he absolutely did not deserve to be on the losing end of this series. If there's one guy on that slashing, communist crew of pricks who somehow rep our Nation's Capital, he's the on I feel for tonight. Come at the King though and you best not miss.

WE'RE ON TO TAMPA BAY. Gimme Stamkos, gimme Callahan, gimme the dude scoring a ton and gimme all the ex-blueshirts who need Cally to hold their hand out there on the ice. Fuck those clowns. Lightning are riding high and score a fucking ton, but Bishop ain't Hank. NYR in 7.

In Hank We Trust. #NYR

Kendall vs. Kylie: Who Ya Got?

Well, anyone with a functioning brain knew this was coming at some point, just a matter of having the time to dedicate to it. This is a question which I think defines your place in our generation: Who would you rather bang, Kendall or Kylie Jenner?   McDonalds vs. Burger King, Ford vs. Chevy, PC vs. Mac, all these debates have defined generations, now millenials have theirs, let's get to it.

Kendall: 

I mean, fuck. I've been a Kendall guy for as long as this has been a debate, and a quick look-see at these pics tells you why. Helen of Troy Face with a wildly toned body to boot, doesn't get better than that. That last picture, in the lingerie is just ridiculous, give me a CHANCE, K. Kendall has that thing where at any angle imaginable, she's absolutely gorgeous. This is a good thing 99.99% of the time, except for when it leads to complacency. She's woken up every morning of her life knowing she was the hottest piece of ass in the land, some might say she's taken that for granted, which brings me to her sister. 

Kylie:

Kylie, umm, has really kinda uhh, come into her own huh? No spare me the surgery bullshit, doesn't matter. She's been the "hot but not as hot as the other one" sister since birth. Well, now she's just taking those words and shoving them down people's throats. A face that more than gets the job done, titties on FLEEK and an ass that could win Best in Show. She's got this vibe about her that just screams, "nothing here is off limits." You know when you're in bed with a girl and she makes a suggestion for what she wants to "try" and it kinda blows your mind? Adrenaline like no other, I usually can't even respond in actual words, My entire body just spasms and I speak gibberish in compliance. Those moments are the absolute best, and I think Kylie's life is just a continuous cycle of freaky sexual suggestions. Sign me the fuck up. 

Verdict: These two have my head in such a pretzel that they've forced me to hedge my bets, something I hate to do. For one night only, it's Kylie. Can't get passed how much I think she loves sex, refuse to pass that up. 

However, if I could choose to pursue one, presumably for more than just a night it's Kendall no questions asked. Ride that modeling wave and get my ass kicked by all the jealous black guys she's already fucked who hate my guts. These two are on another.

Grading The Islanders Season... and Every Player

I can't sit here and write that I am pleased with the season, that we did better than last year by making the playoffs and so on. This season was a disappointment plain and simple. The Islanders had something to prove this year. They had to prove to the Eastern Conference that they were a threat by making a deep playoff run, and prove to the rest of the country that they were to be taken seriously. Maybe then they would get some media coverage. The lack of media attention they have received with everything going on was disgraceful... but that's a blog for another day.

I know I hadn't written any playoff blogs prior to the series or after pivotal games, but to be honest I'm a very superstitious guy and did not want to spout my mouth off saying that the Isles were a force to be reckoned with and then get their dicks collectively pushed in by Ovi and the Caps.... which is essentially what happened in Game 7. Innie city.

But listen they played a hard fought series, and the Capitals were a tough team to face in Round One. If we had landed the Penguins we would have shown Fleury no mercy, and Crosby would have been flat on his ass half of the time, crying.

So I have to give their overall playoff ranking a B. 

Now onto the individual players. Most of their rankings are pretty good because most of the team actually played a tough, gritty series, and if it wasn't for Lubo going down and the injuries to Hamonic and De Haan we would have probably come away with a series win.

Okay so here are the rankings. Because we did not win the series, I cannot award any A+'s, just like how BU does it. There are plenty of good grades however. This is really a great team nonetheless.

Jaroslav Halak ......  A-

Halak was to me the biggest question mark going into the series. Although I was a lot more confident with he between the pipes then I was with Nabakov, to me Halak had not proved during the regular season that he was the guy. Sure he set the franchise record for wins and was an extremely solid goalie, but I wasn't confident that he could handle what the Caps were going to bring. And I must tell you, Halak STOOD ON HIS FUCKING HEAD for his team. If it wasn't for his stellar play the series would have gone 5 games. Halak really impressed me and made some incredible saves, bailing out the D dozens of times. He doesn't get an A because of those couple of games where the Caps started to run train, but a lot of that was from poor defense. This series really did show me the real Halak, and that has me feeling way better about the playoff series' to come.


John Tavares ...... B+

We all expected more from JT this series, and he still did a ton to help this team get to Game 7. That just goes to show how high the expectations were for this man. He very much deserves the Hart Trophy. That goal 15 seconds into overtime was key because we would have probably lost that overtime if it went any longer. He also sneaky had 6 points (2 goals and 4 assists) with that awesome goal in Game 6. He needed one or two more great plays to bump him up to an A. There's always next year.


Kyle Okposo ...... A-

Fuck off Getty Images

Kyle Okposo embodied 'grit and balls' in this series. Two great goals, countless hits on those dirty Caps, and was in every scrap (which probably isn't smart for someone recovering from their eye hanging out of its socket.) He was the first person in when the Caps shot on Halak after the game ended. You saw it on his face, he wanted to win, but he wanted to win with these guys, whom he defended at every turn.

Johnny Boychuk ........ A

Boychuk was exactly what we needed in this series: a defender with loads of playoff experience- someone who knows what it takes to defend one of the best teams in a best of 7. He took a leadership role with that team and his play backed it up. The Islanders did a great job at shutting down Ovechkin and the Caps power play, and Boycuk was at the center of it. And so was this man:

Nick Leddy ...... A

Basically the same shit about Boychuk, but he's only fucking 24 years old! We're going to see this man in his prime and his best play showed in the playoffs. I was constantly seeing Leddy make some great recoveries on defense after the Caps would steal or make a great play driving into the Islanders zone. Just a top notch defender. He had 5 assists too.

Cal Clutterbuck ...... A

This man really set the tone for the series. Capuano started the 4th line for a reason. These guys came out hitting. And although it's usually Matt Martin at the helm, I felt that Clutterbuck really understood what it was like to play playoff hockey. You just saw such raw emotion run through him whenever he was involved in a play or a scrum. He's also that guy the team needs to yell insults at the ugly Russian sitting on the other bench. 7 goals all season, scores 2 in the series. He got it.

Matt Martin ....... B+

Matt Martin was right with Clutterbuck on setting the pace of the games with the tough hits and raw emotion when they flew out off the bench. I felt that he squandered a couple of awesome offensive chances, and was just disappointing offensively, when he is usually involved on offense. He has a year to improve on that.

Casey Cizikas ....... B+

Cizikas is one of my favorite Islanders and arguably the most underrated player on the team. He has such skill and potential and I see many more goals in his future. I was surprised see just now that he only had one goal. He scored the lone goal in that sad OT loss with 12 seconds left in the first period. I feel he needed at least one more big goal to fulfill his potential in that series. The heart was there though, he was a huge part of that 4th line.

Ryan Strome ........ B+

Strome is another one of my favorite Islanders and potentially a great player and goal scorer. He's got so much offensive skill. He scored 2 goals and had 2 assists in the series, but there were plenty of times where I though he had a great look and couldn't pull the trigger. He's another player that if he's playing better next year, the Islanders go farther.

Brock Nelson ....... B

His playoff mentality was his season mentality: score a ton of goals early on and then cool off in a big way. Brock had many chances in later games for goals that he couldn't score with. The potential is there, he just didn't capitalize on some big moments.

Josh Bailey ......... A

Bailey was involved in so many plays. Even though there were some times I thought he could have done a little more, he had 2 goals and 3 assists and just seemed to play well throughout. It was like watching the Best of Josh Bailey compilation. He knew how to turn it on.

Frans Nielsen ........ B+

Skated really hard and caught the Caps sneaking a couple of times with his sheer speed. Could have seen more from him offensively, we know it's there.

Nikolay Kulemin ....... B

Kulemin played hard throughout the series and was good to have on the ice. He created a lot of plays, however no one seemed to capitalize. Could've done more.

Thomas Hickey ........ A

Hickey, who I once thought a weak spot on the Islanders defense has really grown into his own. He finished out the season strong and held off the Caps during a tough, gritty series. He was also creating a lot of plays from the blue line and taking shots.

Brian Strait ......... A

Brian Strait was to me an even weaker spot in the Islanders defense early on the in the season and he ALSO improved steadily until the playoffs where he ALSO performed excellently. I always caught Strait making great defensive plays, and potentially saving many goals. He would be an A-, but I had to bump him up to an A for being a formed Terrier. Go BU!

Anders Lee ....... D

What happened to you man? Aside from that stretch during the regular season where he essentially carried the team he wasn't there. And he no-showed so bad in the post-season that Cappy benched him. Incredible.

Tyler Kennedy ....... D

Did you play?

Mikhail Grabovski ...... N/A

Didn't see enough action to get a grade. Would have loved to see him play the whole series. Grabovski is awesome.

Matt Donovan/Scott Mayfield ..... B+

I know Capuano "strategically" would take out these two whenever Ovechkin was on the ice, but they did clash, and these two really held their own. They were thrust into a difficult position and did a pretty good job. Would definitely keep these 2 around.

Colin McDonald ....... N/A

Didn't play enough.


Michael Grabner ....... D

You would think Grabner would play well in the playoffs, he can be such an offensive threat sometimes.

Calvin De Haan ...... B-

This young defender is going to be very good one day. He showed that throughout the series. You saw that occasionally in the playoffs. Although if he didn't get hurt we might have won.

Griffin Reinhart ....... F

He played one game, went -2, and then got sent away. Ouch


Lubomir Visnovsky ........ A

Lubo was playing so well up until Wilson laid that cheapo shot on him. Everyone knows of Lubo's concussion history, making the hit even cheaper. Fucking bastard. I really hope Lubo is okay and his career isn't now over. He's 38, and with all of those concussions who knows. He's a great veteran presence and a great player. I really hope he's okay.

I Don't Fuck With Girls Who Don't Paint Their Nails

This has potential to be the weirdest post so far I think, but it's a long-standing belief I've had that I need to get off my chest. I simply can't stand when girls don't paint their nails.

I think it's a lot less the aesthetics as it is the principle of it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not coming CLOSE to considering some broad with big-ass man hands, no shot no matter how on-fleek the mani is. I got small hands so if a girl has meaty claws I'm fucking out, but that's besides the point. 

Bare nails are a sign of one of the following three things: 

1. Laziness- can't knock it, I'm lazy as fuck but I don't need a lazy chick to make me lazier.

2. Didn't get around to it- totally fair, I live my life "getting around to" tasks, but it's bitten me in the ass a bunch. Well ladies, now it's biting you. Guess you can't (still, totally can) date a financially burdened smut peddler, sucks to be you. 

3. Anti establishment, "I don't need to prove my beauty" bullshit- fuck outta here babe. I gel my hair and trim my beard, in hopes that girls will fuck me. Do the same and paint your nails, it just looks nicer. 

Incredibly overthought, fetish-bordering rant: compete.

Dove Cameron Has Ushered in a New Era of Disney Dominance

First things first, yes this girl is of age (19) and yes in a time where we have Instagram and free porn and all this shit that it's crazy to waste a breath on a Disney star. 

Except it's not. This chick plays a pair of twins on some Disney Channel show and I for one, am doing boners. It harkens me back to a simpler time, one before booze and tinder and worries, when myself and a healthy percentage of the NH gang would fire up DC and just love the fuck out of it. Smokes on smokes and Dove here is just the next generation of that. 

Maybe the best part about this girl is that her private photos got leaked last summer and she's a MINX. So fucking hot, playing a goody two shoes on TV and then just wrecking dicks once she's off set. Give me some babe, need it. 

Niykee Heaton Scares Me

Complex Article With Video

Niykee Heaton is scary as fuck. She's at a level of hot where I'm not even enjoying it anymore, I'm just scared when I think about just what she could get me to do, it legitimately takes me to a disturbing part of my psyche. I'm writing this while on vacation in Key West on a fucking balcony overlooking the ocean, I'm in paradise right now and after seeing this all I can think about is how little effort it would take her to get me to do absolutely HEINOUS things in exchange for sex.

"Hey bcase go kill that guy, skin him and sell his organs on the black market..." *seductive eyes*
"Ummm okay sure thing baby"

...and just like that I'm Hannibal, it's preposterous. So thanks Niykee, thanks for the boner and for the frightening introspection, now I have the scaries.

PS- Bad Intentions is an absolutely FIRE song, sexy as fuck.

PPS- When I found out her name was pronounced the same as "Nicki" I fainted. Get the FUCK outta town spelling it the way she does. Thought it was  pronounced "Niy-Kee" for like months, sounded like a retarded asian trying to say Nike, I'm so dumb.Just Do It indeed.

Lil Twist Facing 25 Years in Prison for Beating Up the Massey Brothers

Yeah, those Massey brothers. Listen I don't know who Lil Twist is, I think he's a Bieber leech or something, but I gotta love him for this. Included in the TMZ report when the story first broke is that they PANTSED Chris Massey after beating his head in with brass knuckles. I couldn't think of something that funny for $1M dollars. Probably not even a billion.

Like, "Hey Chris Massey, you know how you peaked at 17, you're the less famous real-life brother of Raven Symone's TV-brother, and you were the token black guy on Zoey 101 before most of those chicks were legal? Yeah here's one more thing to celebrate, Justin Bieber's henchman leech is gonna beat you to a pulp and pull your pants down. Deal?"

I hate this story for the same reason I love it so much, NONE of these people matter. We're talking about a G-List rapper punching out a Nickelodeon kid, but I'm absolutely captivated. I just wanna hop in Twist's leased BMW and go bully the Massey's some more.

"Hey Kyle you fat piece of shit, did Anneliese van der Pol ever touch your wee-wee? OF COURSE NOT! YOURE FAT!! HAHAHAHA!!!" 
 "Hey Chris, when that toolbag Logan was throwing dick to young Victoria Justice, which Soulja Boy song were you listening to? Asking for a friend." - me bullying the Masseys.

Link to the story, with video evidence that the Masseys are exactly how you'd expect them to be. Just two mid-twenties losers throwing around insults like "They took your manhood huhuhu" to papperazzi, the worst. 

PS- Quinn from Zoey 101 lights my fire, big time.

At Least We Have Clyde

When tuning into the Knicks game fans don't really have much to be happy about. I like to play a game where I replace everyone on the court with little Okafors, because everyone playing is a an absolute joke. I'm confident that Georgia State could beat us.

But at least we have Clyde being Clyde:

No wonder Walt got his nickname from Clyde Barrow, dude is fresh as fuck, wearing the THICKEST ties in the game.  That is the equivalent of a guy sporting two lay-persons's ties next to each other. Can't get classier than Clyde, you just can't.

Also this pic is now being submitted as evidence on a theory I'm working on: Guy's ties reflect the state of their penis. 

Clyde is rocking a hammer, no question.  Soon this theory will become a law, mark my words. 

Katy Perry Fucked the Banjo Guy from Mumford & Sons

Story Here

What a day for the Banjo Community, huh? Marshall Winston here just putting the team on the back and running train on arguably the hottest/most famous girl in music. Just outrageous, look at that fingerpickin' bastard! Dude is a borderline 4, and Katy Perry is... well, she's Katy Perry, how does that work? I've been on this planet 22 years and still never understand how frumpy guys land smokes. Usually it's money, but not here. Katy's got about 56 times the amount of money than the Banjo Player from Mumford & Sons, yet she fucked him still, nuts. Not hard to imagine his finger-game is NICE, just surprising he got the opportunity.

This will be a nice little background thought for the next time I fire up some Mumford for a Sunday drive or if I'm with a girl or something. Every time the banjo comes in it'll be like, "Hah, yeah, pretty awesome that THAT guy fucked Katy Perry." Just a nice little tidbit for my own enjoyment.

The story here might be how OUTRAGEOUS it is even for Katy Perry to rebound from John Mayer with a guy who plays the banjo. John Mayer is not only on the Mt. Rushmore of 21st Century cocksmen, but he's poised to do more damage than even his fore-fathers before him, Clooney, Jeter and DiCaprio. You hear the stories about how "Your Body Is A Wonderland" is about Jennifer Love Hewitt, you remember that he outed Jessica Simpson as an absolute freakazoid and on down the list you go with conquests such as Minka Kelly, Jennifer Anniston and the like. Katy's gotta come back a lot stronger than THIS!

Bottom Line, Katy Perry needs to bang Leo to straighten all of this out, so the world gets spinning on its axis again. Props to Marshall Winston, I respect the fuck out of a guy who outkicks his coverage by that much, but let's not play around. He got lucky, she's desperate, this isn't gonna be a continuous thing. Katy Perry is in the top 1% people on the planet, Marshall Winston is not, clear as can be. Congrats bro, now let her fuck Leo in Cabo.

PS- New Mumford & Sons sucks dick. "Oh bcase stop, you're so resistant to change." Damn right I am, and you know why?? Because banjo-folk Mumford worked. It got them Grammy's, it got Marshall buns, why change it?? The new song doesn't get good until about 4/5s of the way through, and until that it's basically every song that Coldplay has released in the past 5 years. FUCK that, Coldplay is the #1 most overrated band in history, and I'm sad that a parallel can now be drawn between them and M&S. So go back, boys. Not for me, for Marshall. #FreeBanjoGuy

Happy Paddy's Day Weekend

Enjoy.

Darrelle Revis is Back with the New York Jets

Wow. Just a stunning turn of events over the past couple of days. I had a feeling as soon as Revis and the Pats hadn't gotten a deal done before 4pm on Monday, that him coming back would be a distinct possibility. That said, now that it's reality, I don't believe it at all. Absolutely Unreal.

Now the biggest challenge for me moving forward is to keep my emotions in check, and remember who it is we're dealing with here. Darrelle Revis is the best mercenary in the history of sports. He has no loyalty to anybody except himself and his accountant. He was far and away my favorite Jet during his first tenure here, and the break-up was rough for me. Now I can see a little clearer and it's nice, I'm totally prepared for another departure in a few years. I'm actually fine with it

The ironic thing about all of this is the "Coming Home" rhetoric which has taken hold of Jet Nation since the signing. No he isn't. Playing for the Jets or in NYC or "finishing what he started here" has absolutely nothing to do with it. Jets had the money, Revis was available. That's all there is to it. :Now he can retire a Jet" no he won't. If you think that, or you're holding out hope for that, stop being dumb. He retires a Jet only if they're willing ti pay him the most when the time comes. Either way fuck that, we have time to enjoy this move.

From a purely football perspective this is IMMENSE. Not only do you bring the best CB in football to your team, but you take him from a division rival. The Pats are far worse on defense today, and the Jets are far better. Revis, Buster Skrine, (probably) Cromartie... this secondary went from being maybe the worst in the league to maybe the best in 24 hours. That secondary, the ferocious DLine and a solid LB-core, Coach Bowles is going to have a BALL with this team.

#PrayForRexRyansWivesFeet

Round of applause for Mike McCagnan and the rest of the new Front Office. These fucking guys have come out SWINGING, and for the first time in probably my entire time as a Jets fan, I feel really good about the guys making decisions for this team. Woody Johnson is a pain in the ass sometimes, but credit where it's due to him as well, he listened to his advisers Casserly and Wolf, and they seemed to have steered them in the right direction with Macc. Of course, only time will tell how good these signings were, but it's hard to have a better start than the rookie GM. Marshall, Revis, Love It. Beers on me!

Revis Porn:

#TheBachelorFinale

I know, I'd dont get it either. Guess this jabroni is from Iowa and tonight he chooses who to be enganged to for a few months before People Magazine reports their split. The craziest part of all this is how wrapped up chicks get in this shit.

Is this your sports, girls? Is this NFL Sundays for you? It's the number one twitter trend right now, and while I'm on the emotional NFL free agency roller coaster I got this fucking shit all over my timeline.

Spoiler Alert: It's fake. The guy is a shmuck and the girls are in it to get famous for 13 days. There's no love here, and if that's not the reason chicks are watching then maybe I'm missing something. The interest in this garbage is flat-out mind-boggling though.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Trap Queen - Fetty Wap (My New Favorite Song)

I'M LIKE HEY WASSUP HELLO SEEN YOUR PRETTY ASS SOON AS YOU CAME IN THE DOOR.

Ahhhhhhhh, do you smell that too? That's the smell of 49 7th graders, JACKED the fuck up on Mountain Dew crammed into a Middle School cafeteria awkwardly swaying and forming circles with a skinny Hispanic kid doing the worm in the middle.

I'm, of course, taking a stroll down memory lane back to the days of Middle School Dances. Some of the most naive, cringeworthy nights of my life. Nothing quite like the rush of walking in, praying your parents don't stand at the door for more than 6 seconds, and spending the entire time working up the nerve to ask the girl you like to slow dance to some early Alisha Keys ("If I Ain't Got You" was my tried and true go-to back in the day). Some of the most viscous, worrisome boners of a young man's life come during those first couple slow-dances. Just 3 and a half blissful minutes hoping it doesn't pop right out of those Gap Original jeans. What a time it was.

Anyway, I have no idea why but this song brought me back, something young bcase would've absolutely played the fuck out of over and over and over again. Would've been strolling the halls in a Latrell Spreewell jersey and a backwards Tarheels hat*, living in complete denial that I wasn't black muttering lines from this song to myself. Definitely would've likened my crush to a Trap Queen, might've even made an AOL screenname like "TrappKing92" or some shit. I need this song like I need air, it's outrageous. The guy rapping on this song goes by FETTY WAP, what planet am I on?? Ehh, don't even care anymore.


MARRIED TO THE MONEY INTRODUCED HER TO MY STOVE.

*Writing this with a TarHeels hat on, 11-year old cool guy vibes like you read about. Keep em wet bcase.

R.I.P Tinder 2013-2015

So word around the internet is that Tinder is rolling out a new Premium level that'll let people undo matches, and change locations and all that jazz. The catch being, you gotta shell out between $3-6 a month supposedly. FUCK THAT NOISE.

Hey Tinder, I got a question. How many many things associated with dating do hot girls pay for?

• Dinner?
• Drinks?
• Cab Fare?
• Anything?

Absolutely fucking nothing, and nor should they. So why the FUCK do you clowns think even one hot girl is gonna pay to get hit on? They won't, so thanks.

As somebody who uses Tinder mostly for fun but also is totally willing to see where things might go with somebody, this sucks. I mean if you do the math: maybe 12 out of 100 hot girls who you come across may end up as a match. Of those 12, maybe you get a response from 3 or 4 since most of them are just there for the reassurance that they're hot, with 1 actually being willing to hold a conversation of any sort. So Free Tinder already saddles a regular dude with a 1/100 chance of going out with a legitimately hot match. Six bucks a month isn't gonna make or break my budget, but the point is that no hot girls are gonna go for that, so I guess now we live in a world of limited matches.

For arguments sake lets say you get 25 matches a week on the free version, here's my game-plan:

Monday - 3 Right Swipe
Tuesday- 1 Right Swipe
Wednesday - 2 Right Swipes
Thursday - 7 Right Swipes (Plant seeds or die trying)
Friday - 3 Right Swipes
Saturday - 5 Right Swipes
Sunday - 4 Right Swipes

Weekend-Heavy like you read about. A little "So what were you up to tonight?" on a casual Saturday just to cleanse the palate before the real games begin. Fuck you Tinder, let's do this dance.




**This is already hilairous**
-Trees

Happy International Women's Day

Unbelievable that this exists. I don't even think chicks are united on this one. Half of em love it and post R.M. Drake quotes on Instagram until the cows come home, and the other half get all upset, "We don't NEED a special day, every day is women's day."

Okay babe, whatever. Enjoy? I don't even know what to say for this. The only thoughts I have are condolences to the boyfriends out there who have had to put up with even 1 iota more of their girls' shit because it's Women's Day. There's a girl SOMEWHERE who was more difficult today because she thought she had a pass ,and that's a fact. Hilarious really, sucks for her BF though.

The best part of Women's Day is the fact that it's on the one day of the year with 23 hours in it. Like there were 364 full days to choose from and chicks zeroed in on the day when the clocks go forward. Phenomenal. Chicks gonna chick I suppose, never change.

Will You Marry Me Jana Kramer?

Please? I mean, holy SMOKES. While compiling my Memorial Day playlist I was perusing Spotify and came across a song by her. Guess she's an actress turned country goddess. She played Alex DuPre on One Tree Hill (best cast of any show ever) and then played Turle's rebound in Entourage after Jamie breaks up with him who he INEXPLICABLY turns down. Call me old fashioned, but when a 13/10 UCLA sorority sister wants it, she gets it. Come on Turtle, you're the best but that was an unforgivable pass.

Of all her accomplishments though, I gotta think converting me back to #TeamBrunette has to be number one. I've been STAUNCHLY defending the wall for guys who love blonde girls, and doing so proudly, but sometimes facts get in the way. Men lie, women lie, Jada Kramer does not. Glad to be back.

After all this back-breaking researching, it turns out she's from Detroit, which is a giant red flag but we can work around it. Also used to be engaged to Brantley Gilbert, that sucks. He makes fire music but seems like a questionable character. This chick is just the quintessential example of someone without a ton of apparent talent but she's WAY too hot to not take a shot on.How she isn't a household name, I don't know.

"TV didn't work out so fuck it, put her in front of a banjo and watch the idiot bloggers cum their pants." - Music Execs.

Anyway, here it is Jana. You got me, I'm here. All my cards are on the table, face up, all trust. I can offer you all the stability you'll ever need a borderline drinking problem and a college budget. Hit Song Material 101 babe. Rich, successful, I'm everything Brantley is except the opposite.

So waddya say? Let's run off somewhere, do something spontaneous, live that "Relationship Goals" Life. I'll be here waiting. Ball is in your court.

That's the hottest chick on the planet.

Underrated Song of the Week: Ridin - Lana Del Rey & ASAP Rocky

I have a confession to make, I'm a big Lana Del Rey guy. Huge. She's hot and her music slays, there's no two ways about it.

I hate that I like her stuff, but I can't deny the truth. It's artificial, Earth's bottom-feeders look up to her, I know it's not a good look for me but it is what it is. Back in 2012 I used to listen to National Anthem at least twice a day for like 2 months. That song is FIRE and this one is even better. Just such a sick vibe, ASAP and Lana are perfectly balanced, it's the best gangster couple collab since '03 Bonnie & Clyde, great song. One of those rare gems from two fairly prominent artists that kinda just fell through the cracks I guess. Enjoy...

Zucc Back, Yandle In

4 years at $18 mil. Hefty cost but it's justified, MZ is core player on this team. Everything Del Zotto couldn't be in terms of bringing passion to the ice. He's 27, Blueshirts acquired Keith Yandle in a huge move yesterday to make room for this deal, this team is ready to make a push for the Cup. More later, but let's go. Time to finish last year's business.

Seth MacFarlane Slays Huh?

This is kinda nuts, no? I mean I'm a Family Guy fan, and a fan of beautiful women, but I never, ever. ever made a connection between the two beyond Mila playing Meg (still weird). I mean, MacFarlane's dating record goes toe-to-toe with the heavy-weights, and absolutely obliterates anybody else I can think from any sort of comedic background.

He's dating fucking Khalissi! Emelia Clarke is perfect, she is. Just an absolute mismatch, can't believe it's real. Like I guess he's a solid looking guy, LOADED and funny, but that seems like it would only play to a certain point? Like he'd RAKE anywhere else in the world, but Hollywood just seems like another planet. Maybe I'm selling him short, just blows my mind.  He's drinking from the top-shelf. I want to hate it, I want to so bad, but I can't. I'd do anything to get paid millions and millions of dollars to write 3 funny seasons of Family Guy and then literally mail the rest of my life in and smash tens. Dude's got it made.

He's been linked to Charlize Theron, Eliza Dushku (massively underrated) and also Alexis Knapp. She's the slutty one from Pitch Perfect who is also maybe Number One on my Hollywood Fuck-List, absolute MINX. Can't get enough of her.

ASHLEY GREENE too?!

What fucking planet am I on? Who knows if any of this is true in a dating sense, but you know he's fucked all these chicks. Anytime two people in Hollywood are "linked" it's a guarantee they've smashed. These people get like no time off, you think two mutually single, successful people in Hollywood are just gonna "hang-out"?? Go to a coffee shop or a deli and platonically spend the day rehashing how they both "made it"? That's called pillow talk, read a book for me one time.


The fact that Peter Fucking Griffin has sent each of these chicks to get a hand towel to wipe him/themselves down is just something I have trouble comprehending. I believe it, and it actually gives me some weird sense of hope, but it's OUTRAGEOUS.

PS-

This is the best. Brian Griffin slinging dick to Lily Truscott. Emily Osment? That's pure greed. She doesn't hold a candle to the aforementioned girls, she's just his Tuesday Girl. Unbelievable. How many times has Seth used a Haley Joel Osment joke in Family Guy? At least like ten. Fast forward a decade and he's fucking the guy's sister. Christ Almighty, talk about owning another dude's life.