Lil Twist Facing 25 Years in Prison for Beating Up the Massey Brothers

Yeah, those Massey brothers. Listen I don't know who Lil Twist is, I think he's a Bieber leech or something, but I gotta love him for this. Included in the TMZ report when the story first broke is that they PANTSED Chris Massey after beating his head in with brass knuckles. I couldn't think of something that funny for $1M dollars. Probably not even a billion.

Like, "Hey Chris Massey, you know how you peaked at 17, you're the less famous real-life brother of Raven Symone's TV-brother, and you were the token black guy on Zoey 101 before most of those chicks were legal? Yeah here's one more thing to celebrate, Justin Bieber's henchman leech is gonna beat you to a pulp and pull your pants down. Deal?"

I hate this story for the same reason I love it so much, NONE of these people matter. We're talking about a G-List rapper punching out a Nickelodeon kid, but I'm absolutely captivated. I just wanna hop in Twist's leased BMW and go bully the Massey's some more.

"Hey Kyle you fat piece of shit, did Anneliese van der Pol ever touch your wee-wee? OF COURSE NOT! YOURE FAT!! HAHAHAHA!!!" 
 "Hey Chris, when that toolbag Logan was throwing dick to young Victoria Justice, which Soulja Boy song were you listening to? Asking for a friend." - me bullying the Masseys.

Link to the story, with video evidence that the Masseys are exactly how you'd expect them to be. Just two mid-twenties losers throwing around insults like "They took your manhood huhuhu" to papperazzi, the worst. 

PS- Quinn from Zoey 101 lights my fire, big time.

At Least We Have Clyde

When tuning into the Knicks game fans don't really have much to be happy about. I like to play a game where I replace everyone on the court with little Okafors, because everyone playing is a an absolute joke. I'm confident that Georgia State could beat us.

But at least we have Clyde being Clyde:

No wonder Walt got his nickname from Clyde Barrow, dude is fresh as fuck, wearing the THICKEST ties in the game.  That is the equivalent of a guy sporting two lay-persons's ties next to each other. Can't get classier than Clyde, you just can't.

Also this pic is now being submitted as evidence on a theory I'm working on: Guy's ties reflect the state of their penis. 

Clyde is rocking a hammer, no question.  Soon this theory will become a law, mark my words. 

Katy Perry Fucked the Banjo Guy from Mumford & Sons

Story Here

What a day for the Banjo Community, huh? Marshall Winston here just putting the team on the back and running train on arguably the hottest/most famous girl in music. Just outrageous, look at that fingerpickin' bastard! Dude is a borderline 4, and Katy Perry is... well, she's Katy Perry, how does that work? I've been on this planet 22 years and still never understand how frumpy guys land smokes. Usually it's money, but not here. Katy's got about 56 times the amount of money than the Banjo Player from Mumford & Sons, yet she fucked him still, nuts. Not hard to imagine his finger-game is NICE, just surprising he got the opportunity.

This will be a nice little background thought for the next time I fire up some Mumford for a Sunday drive or if I'm with a girl or something. Every time the banjo comes in it'll be like, "Hah, yeah, pretty awesome that THAT guy fucked Katy Perry." Just a nice little tidbit for my own enjoyment.

The story here might be how OUTRAGEOUS it is even for Katy Perry to rebound from John Mayer with a guy who plays the banjo. John Mayer is not only on the Mt. Rushmore of 21st Century cocksmen, but he's poised to do more damage than even his fore-fathers before him, Clooney, Jeter and DiCaprio. You hear the stories about how "Your Body Is A Wonderland" is about Jennifer Love Hewitt, you remember that he outed Jessica Simpson as an absolute freakazoid and on down the list you go with conquests such as Minka Kelly, Jennifer Anniston and the like. Katy's gotta come back a lot stronger than THIS!

Bottom Line, Katy Perry needs to bang Leo to straighten all of this out, so the world gets spinning on its axis again. Props to Marshall Winston, I respect the fuck out of a guy who outkicks his coverage by that much, but let's not play around. He got lucky, she's desperate, this isn't gonna be a continuous thing. Katy Perry is in the top 1% people on the planet, Marshall Winston is not, clear as can be. Congrats bro, now let her fuck Leo in Cabo.

PS- New Mumford & Sons sucks dick. "Oh bcase stop, you're so resistant to change." Damn right I am, and you know why?? Because banjo-folk Mumford worked. It got them Grammy's, it got Marshall buns, why change it?? The new song doesn't get good until about 4/5s of the way through, and until that it's basically every song that Coldplay has released in the past 5 years. FUCK that, Coldplay is the #1 most overrated band in history, and I'm sad that a parallel can now be drawn between them and M&S. So go back, boys. Not for me, for Marshall. #FreeBanjoGuy

Happy Paddy's Day Weekend

Enjoy.

Darrelle Revis is Back with the New York Jets

Wow. Just a stunning turn of events over the past couple of days. I had a feeling as soon as Revis and the Pats hadn't gotten a deal done before 4pm on Monday, that him coming back would be a distinct possibility. That said, now that it's reality, I don't believe it at all. Absolutely Unreal.

Now the biggest challenge for me moving forward is to keep my emotions in check, and remember who it is we're dealing with here. Darrelle Revis is the best mercenary in the history of sports. He has no loyalty to anybody except himself and his accountant. He was far and away my favorite Jet during his first tenure here, and the break-up was rough for me. Now I can see a little clearer and it's nice, I'm totally prepared for another departure in a few years. I'm actually fine with it

The ironic thing about all of this is the "Coming Home" rhetoric which has taken hold of Jet Nation since the signing. No he isn't. Playing for the Jets or in NYC or "finishing what he started here" has absolutely nothing to do with it. Jets had the money, Revis was available. That's all there is to it. :Now he can retire a Jet" no he won't. If you think that, or you're holding out hope for that, stop being dumb. He retires a Jet only if they're willing ti pay him the most when the time comes. Either way fuck that, we have time to enjoy this move.

From a purely football perspective this is IMMENSE. Not only do you bring the best CB in football to your team, but you take him from a division rival. The Pats are far worse on defense today, and the Jets are far better. Revis, Buster Skrine, (probably) Cromartie... this secondary went from being maybe the worst in the league to maybe the best in 24 hours. That secondary, the ferocious DLine and a solid LB-core, Coach Bowles is going to have a BALL with this team.

#PrayForRexRyansWivesFeet

Round of applause for Mike McCagnan and the rest of the new Front Office. These fucking guys have come out SWINGING, and for the first time in probably my entire time as a Jets fan, I feel really good about the guys making decisions for this team. Woody Johnson is a pain in the ass sometimes, but credit where it's due to him as well, he listened to his advisers Casserly and Wolf, and they seemed to have steered them in the right direction with Macc. Of course, only time will tell how good these signings were, but it's hard to have a better start than the rookie GM. Marshall, Revis, Love It. Beers on me!

Revis Porn:

#TheBachelorFinale

I know, I'd dont get it either. Guess this jabroni is from Iowa and tonight he chooses who to be enganged to for a few months before People Magazine reports their split. The craziest part of all this is how wrapped up chicks get in this shit.

Is this your sports, girls? Is this NFL Sundays for you? It's the number one twitter trend right now, and while I'm on the emotional NFL free agency roller coaster I got this fucking shit all over my timeline.

Spoiler Alert: It's fake. The guy is a shmuck and the girls are in it to get famous for 13 days. There's no love here, and if that's not the reason chicks are watching then maybe I'm missing something. The interest in this garbage is flat-out mind-boggling though.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Trap Queen - Fetty Wap (My New Favorite Song)

I'M LIKE HEY WASSUP HELLO SEEN YOUR PRETTY ASS SOON AS YOU CAME IN THE DOOR.

Ahhhhhhhh, do you smell that too? That's the smell of 49 7th graders, JACKED the fuck up on Mountain Dew crammed into a Middle School cafeteria awkwardly swaying and forming circles with a skinny Hispanic kid doing the worm in the middle.

I'm, of course, taking a stroll down memory lane back to the days of Middle School Dances. Some of the most naive, cringeworthy nights of my life. Nothing quite like the rush of walking in, praying your parents don't stand at the door for more than 6 seconds, and spending the entire time working up the nerve to ask the girl you like to slow dance to some early Alisha Keys ("If I Ain't Got You" was my tried and true go-to back in the day). Some of the most viscous, worrisome boners of a young man's life come during those first couple slow-dances. Just 3 and a half blissful minutes hoping it doesn't pop right out of those Gap Original jeans. What a time it was.

Anyway, I have no idea why but this song brought me back, something young bcase would've absolutely played the fuck out of over and over and over again. Would've been strolling the halls in a Latrell Spreewell jersey and a backwards Tarheels hat*, living in complete denial that I wasn't black muttering lines from this song to myself. Definitely would've likened my crush to a Trap Queen, might've even made an AOL screenname like "TrappKing92" or some shit. I need this song like I need air, it's outrageous. The guy rapping on this song goes by FETTY WAP, what planet am I on?? Ehh, don't even care anymore.


MARRIED TO THE MONEY INTRODUCED HER TO MY STOVE.

*Writing this with a TarHeels hat on, 11-year old cool guy vibes like you read about. Keep em wet bcase.

R.I.P Tinder 2013-2015

So word around the internet is that Tinder is rolling out a new Premium level that'll let people undo matches, and change locations and all that jazz. The catch being, you gotta shell out between $3-6 a month supposedly. FUCK THAT NOISE.

Hey Tinder, I got a question. How many many things associated with dating do hot girls pay for?

• Dinner?
• Drinks?
• Cab Fare?
• Anything?

Absolutely fucking nothing, and nor should they. So why the FUCK do you clowns think even one hot girl is gonna pay to get hit on? They won't, so thanks.

As somebody who uses Tinder mostly for fun but also is totally willing to see where things might go with somebody, this sucks. I mean if you do the math: maybe 12 out of 100 hot girls who you come across may end up as a match. Of those 12, maybe you get a response from 3 or 4 since most of them are just there for the reassurance that they're hot, with 1 actually being willing to hold a conversation of any sort. So Free Tinder already saddles a regular dude with a 1/100 chance of going out with a legitimately hot match. Six bucks a month isn't gonna make or break my budget, but the point is that no hot girls are gonna go for that, so I guess now we live in a world of limited matches.

For arguments sake lets say you get 25 matches a week on the free version, here's my game-plan:

Monday - 3 Right Swipe
Tuesday- 1 Right Swipe
Wednesday - 2 Right Swipes
Thursday - 7 Right Swipes (Plant seeds or die trying)
Friday - 3 Right Swipes
Saturday - 5 Right Swipes
Sunday - 4 Right Swipes

Weekend-Heavy like you read about. A little "So what were you up to tonight?" on a casual Saturday just to cleanse the palate before the real games begin. Fuck you Tinder, let's do this dance.




**This is already hilairous**
-Trees

Happy International Women's Day

Unbelievable that this exists. I don't even think chicks are united on this one. Half of em love it and post R.M. Drake quotes on Instagram until the cows come home, and the other half get all upset, "We don't NEED a special day, every day is women's day."

Okay babe, whatever. Enjoy? I don't even know what to say for this. The only thoughts I have are condolences to the boyfriends out there who have had to put up with even 1 iota more of their girls' shit because it's Women's Day. There's a girl SOMEWHERE who was more difficult today because she thought she had a pass ,and that's a fact. Hilarious really, sucks for her BF though.

The best part of Women's Day is the fact that it's on the one day of the year with 23 hours in it. Like there were 364 full days to choose from and chicks zeroed in on the day when the clocks go forward. Phenomenal. Chicks gonna chick I suppose, never change.

Will You Marry Me Jana Kramer?

Please? I mean, holy SMOKES. While compiling my Memorial Day playlist I was perusing Spotify and came across a song by her. Guess she's an actress turned country goddess. She played Alex DuPre on One Tree Hill (best cast of any show ever) and then played Turle's rebound in Entourage after Jamie breaks up with him who he INEXPLICABLY turns down. Call me old fashioned, but when a 13/10 UCLA sorority sister wants it, she gets it. Come on Turtle, you're the best but that was an unforgivable pass.

Of all her accomplishments though, I gotta think converting me back to #TeamBrunette has to be number one. I've been STAUNCHLY defending the wall for guys who love blonde girls, and doing so proudly, but sometimes facts get in the way. Men lie, women lie, Jada Kramer does not. Glad to be back.

After all this back-breaking researching, it turns out she's from Detroit, which is a giant red flag but we can work around it. Also used to be engaged to Brantley Gilbert, that sucks. He makes fire music but seems like a questionable character. This chick is just the quintessential example of someone without a ton of apparent talent but she's WAY too hot to not take a shot on.How she isn't a household name, I don't know.

"TV didn't work out so fuck it, put her in front of a banjo and watch the idiot bloggers cum their pants." - Music Execs.

Anyway, here it is Jana. You got me, I'm here. All my cards are on the table, face up, all trust. I can offer you all the stability you'll ever need a borderline drinking problem and a college budget. Hit Song Material 101 babe. Rich, successful, I'm everything Brantley is except the opposite.

So waddya say? Let's run off somewhere, do something spontaneous, live that "Relationship Goals" Life. I'll be here waiting. Ball is in your court.

That's the hottest chick on the planet.

Underrated Song of the Week: Ridin - Lana Del Rey & ASAP Rocky

I have a confession to make, I'm a big Lana Del Rey guy. Huge. She's hot and her music slays, there's no two ways about it.

I hate that I like her stuff, but I can't deny the truth. It's artificial, Earth's bottom-feeders look up to her, I know it's not a good look for me but it is what it is. Back in 2012 I used to listen to National Anthem at least twice a day for like 2 months. That song is FIRE and this one is even better. Just such a sick vibe, ASAP and Lana are perfectly balanced, it's the best gangster couple collab since '03 Bonnie & Clyde, great song. One of those rare gems from two fairly prominent artists that kinda just fell through the cracks I guess. Enjoy...

Zucc Back, Yandle In

4 years at $18 mil. Hefty cost but it's justified, MZ is core player on this team. Everything Del Zotto couldn't be in terms of bringing passion to the ice. He's 27, Blueshirts acquired Keith Yandle in a huge move yesterday to make room for this deal, this team is ready to make a push for the Cup. More later, but let's go. Time to finish last year's business.