#TheBachelorFinale

I know, I'd dont get it either. Guess this jabroni is from Iowa and tonight he chooses who to be enganged to for a few months before People Magazine reports their split. The craziest part of all this is how wrapped up chicks get in this shit.

Is this your sports, girls? Is this NFL Sundays for you? It's the number one twitter trend right now, and while I'm on the emotional NFL free agency roller coaster I got this fucking shit all over my timeline.

Spoiler Alert: It's fake. The guy is a shmuck and the girls are in it to get famous for 13 days. There's no love here, and if that's not the reason chicks are watching then maybe I'm missing something. The interest in this garbage is flat-out mind-boggling though.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Trap Queen - Fetty Wap (My New Favorite Song)

I'M LIKE HEY WASSUP HELLO SEEN YOUR PRETTY ASS SOON AS YOU CAME IN THE DOOR.

Ahhhhhhhh, do you smell that too? That's the smell of 49 7th graders, JACKED the fuck up on Mountain Dew crammed into a Middle School cafeteria awkwardly swaying and forming circles with a skinny Hispanic kid doing the worm in the middle.

I'm, of course, taking a stroll down memory lane back to the days of Middle School Dances. Some of the most naive, cringeworthy nights of my life. Nothing quite like the rush of walking in, praying your parents don't stand at the door for more than 6 seconds, and spending the entire time working up the nerve to ask the girl you like to slow dance to some early Alisha Keys ("If I Ain't Got You" was my tried and true go-to back in the day). Some of the most viscous, worrisome boners of a young man's life come during those first couple slow-dances. Just 3 and a half blissful minutes hoping it doesn't pop right out of those Gap Original jeans. What a time it was.

Anyway, I have no idea why but this song brought me back, something young bcase would've absolutely played the fuck out of over and over and over again. Would've been strolling the halls in a Latrell Spreewell jersey and a backwards Tarheels hat*, living in complete denial that I wasn't black muttering lines from this song to myself. Definitely would've likened my crush to a Trap Queen, might've even made an AOL screenname like "TrappKing92" or some shit. I need this song like I need air, it's outrageous. The guy rapping on this song goes by FETTY WAP, what planet am I on?? Ehh, don't even care anymore.


MARRIED TO THE MONEY INTRODUCED HER TO MY STOVE.

*Writing this with a TarHeels hat on, 11-year old cool guy vibes like you read about. Keep em wet bcase.

R.I.P Tinder 2013-2015

So word around the internet is that Tinder is rolling out a new Premium level that'll let people undo matches, and change locations and all that jazz. The catch being, you gotta shell out between $3-6 a month supposedly. FUCK THAT NOISE.

Hey Tinder, I got a question. How many many things associated with dating do hot girls pay for?

• Dinner?
• Drinks?
• Cab Fare?
• Anything?

Absolutely fucking nothing, and nor should they. So why the FUCK do you clowns think even one hot girl is gonna pay to get hit on? They won't, so thanks.

As somebody who uses Tinder mostly for fun but also is totally willing to see where things might go with somebody, this sucks. I mean if you do the math: maybe 12 out of 100 hot girls who you come across may end up as a match. Of those 12, maybe you get a response from 3 or 4 since most of them are just there for the reassurance that they're hot, with 1 actually being willing to hold a conversation of any sort. So Free Tinder already saddles a regular dude with a 1/100 chance of going out with a legitimately hot match. Six bucks a month isn't gonna make or break my budget, but the point is that no hot girls are gonna go for that, so I guess now we live in a world of limited matches.

For arguments sake lets say you get 25 matches a week on the free version, here's my game-plan:

Monday - 3 Right Swipe
Tuesday- 1 Right Swipe
Wednesday - 2 Right Swipes
Thursday - 7 Right Swipes (Plant seeds or die trying)
Friday - 3 Right Swipes
Saturday - 5 Right Swipes
Sunday - 4 Right Swipes

Weekend-Heavy like you read about. A little "So what were you up to tonight?" on a casual Saturday just to cleanse the palate before the real games begin. Fuck you Tinder, let's do this dance.




**This is already hilairous**
-Trees

Happy International Women's Day

Unbelievable that this exists. I don't even think chicks are united on this one. Half of em love it and post R.M. Drake quotes on Instagram until the cows come home, and the other half get all upset, "We don't NEED a special day, every day is women's day."

Okay babe, whatever. Enjoy? I don't even know what to say for this. The only thoughts I have are condolences to the boyfriends out there who have had to put up with even 1 iota more of their girls' shit because it's Women's Day. There's a girl SOMEWHERE who was more difficult today because she thought she had a pass ,and that's a fact. Hilarious really, sucks for her BF though.

The best part of Women's Day is the fact that it's on the one day of the year with 23 hours in it. Like there were 364 full days to choose from and chicks zeroed in on the day when the clocks go forward. Phenomenal. Chicks gonna chick I suppose, never change.

Will You Marry Me Jana Kramer?

Please? I mean, holy SMOKES. While compiling my Memorial Day playlist I was perusing Spotify and came across a song by her. Guess she's an actress turned country goddess. She played Alex DuPre on One Tree Hill (best cast of any show ever) and then played Turle's rebound in Entourage after Jamie breaks up with him who he INEXPLICABLY turns down. Call me old fashioned, but when a 13/10 UCLA sorority sister wants it, she gets it. Come on Turtle, you're the best but that was an unforgivable pass.

Of all her accomplishments though, I gotta think converting me back to #TeamBrunette has to be number one. I've been STAUNCHLY defending the wall for guys who love blonde girls, and doing so proudly, but sometimes facts get in the way. Men lie, women lie, Jada Kramer does not. Glad to be back.

After all this back-breaking researching, it turns out she's from Detroit, which is a giant red flag but we can work around it. Also used to be engaged to Brantley Gilbert, that sucks. He makes fire music but seems like a questionable character. This chick is just the quintessential example of someone without a ton of apparent talent but she's WAY too hot to not take a shot on.How she isn't a household name, I don't know.

"TV didn't work out so fuck it, put her in front of a banjo and watch the idiot bloggers cum their pants." - Music Execs.

Anyway, here it is Jana. You got me, I'm here. All my cards are on the table, face up, all trust. I can offer you all the stability you'll ever need a borderline drinking problem and a college budget. Hit Song Material 101 babe. Rich, successful, I'm everything Brantley is except the opposite.

So waddya say? Let's run off somewhere, do something spontaneous, live that "Relationship Goals" Life. I'll be here waiting. Ball is in your court.

That's the hottest chick on the planet.

Underrated Song of the Week: Ridin - Lana Del Rey & ASAP Rocky

I have a confession to make, I'm a big Lana Del Rey guy. Huge. She's hot and her music slays, there's no two ways about it.

I hate that I like her stuff, but I can't deny the truth. It's artificial, Earth's bottom-feeders look up to her, I know it's not a good look for me but it is what it is. Back in 2012 I used to listen to National Anthem at least twice a day for like 2 months. That song is FIRE and this one is even better. Just such a sick vibe, ASAP and Lana are perfectly balanced, it's the best gangster couple collab since '03 Bonnie & Clyde, great song. One of those rare gems from two fairly prominent artists that kinda just fell through the cracks I guess. Enjoy...

Zucc Back, Yandle In

4 years at $18 mil. Hefty cost but it's justified, MZ is core player on this team. Everything Del Zotto couldn't be in terms of bringing passion to the ice. He's 27, Blueshirts acquired Keith Yandle in a huge move yesterday to make room for this deal, this team is ready to make a push for the Cup. More later, but let's go. Time to finish last year's business.