Not a Deflategate Blog: Keys to Super Bowl XLIX

The teams playing on Sunday need no introduction or back-story, and many of the players are already household names. The match-ups on Sunday are going to be thrilling on both sides of the ball. This is setting up to be one of the better Super Bowls in recent history.

Pats O-Line vs. SEA D-Line:
This is the biggest match-up of the game for me. I've seen my Jets play Brady twice a year for ages now, and there is one common denominator in each win and each loss: Was Brady pressured? If yes, I've seen him look like a pedestrian QB, frustrated and most importantly, beatable. If no however, he'll carve a defense up better than anybody else I've ever seen play the game.

Michael Bennett and Bruce Irvin, as well as the LB's and rest of the D-Line will have alot to say about whether or not the Seahawks repeat. New England's o-line is solid, but certainly not infallible. This is the kind of match-up that puts the Logan Mankins trade under the microscope once again. Does NE get to this point without Tim Wright (the TE they got in exchange for Mankins)? Probably. Would they prefer to have Mankins in there to sure up the OLine as opposed to a Gronkowski Insurance Plan? Also, probably. (Cue Tim Wright catching the game-winning TD) Bottom-line, if SEA can as much as create pressure on Brady, and sustain that pressure for four quarters it's their game to lose.

Rob Gronkowski vs. Earl Thomas III/Kam Chancellor:
Another match-up pitting the NE offense against the vaunted SEA defense. Simply put, Gronkowski is a top 3 receiving weapon in the league, and the duo of Thomas/Chancellor is the best safety tandem in the league by a mile. If Gronk is kept in check, especially in the redzone then again, it's curtains for New England. If he's allowed to bully everybody else across the middle and impose his will, NE will undoubtedly have a profound edge.

Earl Thomas' health is of huge concern to those of us who want to see the Patriots crash and burn on the biggest stage. If he's not out there, it changes EVERYTHING. Richard Sherman isn't Richard Sherman if ET3 isn't patrolling the middle of the field. Kam Chancellor isn't the game-breaker he's become without his running mate out there. He's the x-factor, and the key to Seattle's success on defense on Sunday, is of course is what will ultimately decide the winner of the game.

Marshawn Lynch vs. New England's Front-7:
BEAST. MODE. NE have some maulers up front, lead by Wilfork and Chandler Jones on the end. Seattle's O-Line his supremely underrated though and Marshawn Lynch is one of, if not the best post-season RB I've ever watched, so this is sure to be a great match-up. If Lynch can get rolling early it's probably a wrap, it allows Russell Wilson to relax and play the complimentary-style he's been so successful playing. If Lynch is neutralized however, can Russell Wilson on his own beat the Patriots? I don't think so. Please for the love of God Marshawn, please run it down the Pat's throats and politely ask Brady, Bellichick, Bob Kraft and the rest of Pats Nation to HOLD YA DIIIIIICK.


SEA WRs vs. NE CBs:
Well, this kinda sucks because it's so one-sided. New England's tandem of Brandon Browner and The Turncoat Scumbag Formerly Known as Revis Island is about a billion times better than Seattle's receiving corps. Don't expect much out of Doug Baldwin & Co. so Russell Wilson is going to have to figure something out with his legs. This is really the only clearly lob-sided match-up between these two teams, and it scares the hell out of me as a Pats-Hater.

The John Idzik Effect:
This fucking clown. Guy flushed the entire Jets organization down the toilet in one foul swoop, while simultaneously, improbably giving the rival Patriots an on-field advantage for the Lombardi Trophy. See it all starts with Idzik taking a scolding, steaming shit in his hand and extending it to Darrelle Revis' camp this past spring. Spitting in Revis' eye and clearing his path to Foxboro is just one of a laundry list of AWFUL personnel decisions he made in his two seasons in NY. Then in October, in a failed attempt to save his ass from his eventual fate, he traded for Seattle's mercurial x-factor Percy Harvin. Despite a solid half-season with the Jets, taking him off the Seahawks and out of the Patriot's concern for Sunday is just a CLASSIC Jets move. Only way to make it more Jets is if the Pats win because of their secondary. The stars are aligning for a bcase meltdown come Sunday night all at the hands of this money grubbing, clueless piece of shit mother fucker.

 

Prediction: Seahawks 27 - 23 Patriots. Please Beast Mode, for me.

Rachel Green Vs. Monica Geller: Rounds 6-10

The battle continues...

If you're unfamiliar, on Monday I took it upon myself to answer one of the great questions of the 21st century: Which Friends character was hotter, Rachel Green or Monica Geller? Part One analyzed rounds 1-5, so tonight we'll take a look at rounds 6-10 and determine a winner.

The score currently stands at 3-2 advantage Rachel. She established herself as an absolute FORCE early on taking a 3-0 lead. That said, we're currently in the midst of a ferocious comeback from Monica, all started by the Joe Lewis hay-maker disguised as a cat costume which flipped the entire fight on its ear in round 4. Without further ado:

Round 6

vs. 

Champions stand back up even when they can't. After taking a couple on the chin Rachel Green steps right back into the ring and delivers a vintage performance in round six. This is not to say Monica had a poor round, not at all, she's just rocking that disheveled "engaged chick" look a little too well here. This is right around the time when Rachel's thing with Ross began to go down hill, so she's squeezing every last ounce out of her prime like it was an empty bottle of toothpaste, zero complaints here. (Rachel 4 - 2 Monica)

Round 7

Here comes the bride! Listen, Rachel looks PHENOMENAL not only in the above picture but throughout the round. Rarely do you see t-shirts getting worked like that yellow one is right there. Any other day she takes this round going away. But I'm not gonna rain on Monica's big day, and more importantly I have to show love to the legend, Chandler Bing. Wifed his buddy's smoke sister, absolute power move. I would do some pretty heinous things to ensure that my wife looked that good while we said our "I do"s, not quite sure what that says about me but I'm fine not knowing. In a close round, the sound of wedding bells push Monica to victory here. Right back in it.
(Rachel 4 - 3 Monica)

Round 8

 

Weddings, babies, it's all so much. There is little debate that the baby weight slowed Rachel's roll big time in round 8, and Monica pounced on that like a cat. Dress, stockings and fuck-me boots? She'll need to wake up a hell of a lot earlier to sneak all that past me. Monica in a landslide here to tie everything up. These two are going toe-to-toe, punch-for-punch and blow-for-blow. What we're witnessing here tonight is historic. (Rachel 4 - 4 Monica)

Round 9 

 

A relative low point for each in the show if we're being 100% honest here.Monica's got that perpetual post-nuptial look of disgust, and while it took 9 rounds, Rachel finally found a hairstyle that didn't work for her.Nothing terrible here, nothing nearly as profound as the earlier rounds though so the judge has decided to score round 9 a draw, with no points rewarded. Looks like we're headed into the final round with the score tied at 4 rounds a piece. The fanfare surrounding this match-up has simply been incredible, sucks it has to end. (Rachel 4 - 4 Monica)

Round 10 

 

IT'S ALL OVER FOLKS! After 10 grueling rounds Rachel Green has won by KO over Monica Geller. The flannel shirt missing about the first 8 buttons is a game-changer. Her whole vibe here is just ELECTRIC. Just eenough tread left on those tires to get the job done and some. 

Looks like Rachel just had that one extra gear to get her over the hump, just imposing her will and overcoming Monica and her frumpy round 10 attire. The difference here really boils down to circumstance, Monica is married, trying to have kids, completely settled down and just wasn't about that life anymore. Respectable, but not what we're here for. We tuned in for Rachel "Ready to freak at the drop of a hat" Green and that's EXACTLY the Rachel who showed up in the final round. A masterful display.(Rachel W - L Monica)

So there ya have it, 10 seasons, 10 rounds, 2 blog installments and 1 winner. Thanks to Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox for each staying hot long enough to make this kind of coverage possible.

 The Best.

The Definitive List of Hot-Girl Names

bcase's Starting 5:

5. Riley – Riley’s are exceptional, simply because girls who have unisex names try harder. Facts no printer. They spend that extra 30 seconds getting ready in the morning, they put out a little earlier than a Lauren would, and they fuck better (I presume) and it’s all because they know it’s an uphill battle. They’ve inevitably in a situation with a male Riley in the same room, and turned around to answer somebody who wasn’t talking to them. That’s what fuels their fire, that’s why they defend the name. So to all the Riley’s out there, and any other girl stuck with an ambiguous name, thanks. Your efforts have not slipped past us here at the Nard House.

Riley Keough

4. Amber – is the color of your energgyyyyy. Again, just a solid hot girl name. I’ve never ever EVER met, seen or heard of an Amber who wasn’t hot. Kinda begs the question of what kinda guy would allow their daughter to have any of these names? You’re just sealing your fate, I don’t get it at all, but I’m also smarter than to judge those men. If you convince a worthwhile girl to settle down with you I guess you gotta make some concessions, and if she’s anyway decent looking she makes ALL the rules anyway so why would naming privellages be any different? Chin up, Dads of Ambers. 

Amber Heard 

3. Olivia –Without question, she’ll be some tree-hugger who gives you a hard time about drinking out of plastic water bottles, but she’ll also be an absolute minx. Run up on you like click-clack, and you’ll swear off water bottles forever. I know it, you know it and most importantly Olivia knows it.

Take it away, John: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izkqPdVAdL4

Olivia Pickren 

2. Jade – The original leader in the hot name clubhouse, Jade is just a dick-wrecking name. Every country song I hear describing a hot girl in cut-offs, I imagine her name to be Jade. Don’t ask me why because I don’t care and it works. Every hot goth girl ever is named Jade too, there aren't a ton out there but if you look hard enough you'll find one. Bet ya zero dollars her name is Jade. If you know a Jade, send her my way because that’s a bucketlist name through and through.

Jade (from Victorious [Elizabeth Gillies] works just as well) 

1. Alexis – Just a show-stopper name. No two ways about it, an Alexis puts asses in the seats. In all seriousness though I think it’s the versatility of the name that does it for me because the common denominator between all girls named Alexis is that they’re hot. She could be JAPpy and cost you a goddamn fortune, or be some kind of wannabe-ghetto hip-hop dancer whose favorite singer is Trey Songz, a vegan hipster type. Doesn’t matter. You’ll put up with it all because her name is Alexis and she’s gorgeous. Hottest name going.

“She couldn’t afford a car, so she called her daughter Alexis.” Still a FIRE line.

Alexis Ren

Treehorn's Starting 5:

5. Candice- What a minxy name to start the countdown. It's definitely not a name that jumps out at you, but it should never be overlooked. It's not soft and flowy like the ones you'll see farther down in the count. It's a stern name, it's a dickwrecking name, it's a name that screams: "I'm a beautiful woman, but I will not hesitate to castrate." My point being example A:  Candice Swanepoel. Look at Candice's stance. She rocks worlds. She breaks cocks.  

She has been a Victoria's Secret staple for years. The Bernices and Olgas of the world simply cannot relate.

4. Zoe- Simply exotic. Let's face it, "Z's" are sexy. It's a rare letter, almost like a delicacy. It's one of those letters that we don't hear often, and it isn't "Q." Q's suck. Sorry Qate, you're not doing it for me. Anyway, the name Zoe is like a short burst of fiery energy. The name alone gets me off, and the females behind the name tend to not disappoint. Case and point, Zoe Saldana.

Nard.

That's better.

3. Scarlett- I feel that any girl named Scarlett embodies the fierceness of that strong, red color. It's a stern dickwrecker like Candice, but with an edginess to it. Instead of breaking your dick in one foul swoop, a Scarlett will slowly hack away at it while you're asleep night after night without you even fucking realizing, until you wake up one day like the dude from the Godfather, except instead of a horse head, it's your not-dick. It's great because the name has been sexy for generations.

From Scarlett O'Hara murdering dicks in 1939

To Scarlett Johansson's domination over the last decade.

Mm.

2. Jessica- Not only is Jessica the name of my absolute favorite song ever, but it is also the name of these two women:

'Nuff said.

1. Mia- Mia, Mia, Mia. FIRE name. Short, sweet, and to the point. There's no better key to a hot name than having it end in the letter "A." Couldn't tell you why, it just does the job. The best example I could think of was Mia from Degrassi: The Next Generation. Why on earth did I watch that show? Fuck you that's why. Also because of Nina Dobrev as Mia. When she arrived from Lakehurst everyone on that show wanted her instantly, even that loser J.T.. So sexy. Mia. Yes. 

I'm sorry it's not her real name. Mia beats Nina every time. Nina sucks, might as well start with a "Q".

Glenborough's Starting 5:

5. Jennifer – Jennifer really throws me off, and here’s why: as a name alone, it doesn’t do much for me. It’s like water. Not good, not bad. Just sort of there. But here’s the thing about water. It’s got infinite potential. Add some coffee grounds, some Kool-Aid mix, one of those make-your-own-soda machines, and you’ve got a FIRE beverage.

This name works the same way. You start with a cup and a half of clear, room-temp Jennifer, add a pinch of Aniston or a dash of Lawrence or a couple drops of Love-Hewitt, and what do you have? A fucking FIRE girl. Jesus Christ. I’ll take a refill.

Jennifers Love-Hewitt, Lawrence, and Aniston

4. Marisa – She’s the senior, you’re the freshmen, and for the rest of your life you’ll be reliving that one semester you had gym class together. Be honest, you popped a chub if she so much as looked in your direction. But who can blame you? She’s got those shorts rolled way up, and the shirt tied tight at the back. You didn’t stand a chance. I’m pretty sure the government sends every Marisa in the country a jar of body paint on her 18^th birthday, and with good reason (see below).

Marisa Miller

3. Allie –  Allie is your summer girl. She’s got a flower in her hair, a perfect smile, and she absolutely murders cut-offs. Now, make no mistake, you’ll have work for an Allie. You’ll be buying her drinks for weeks before she lets you lose to her in pong, but it’s alllllll worth it that first time she sits on your lap takes a sip out of your solo cup.

Allie LaForce

2. Emma – Look, Emmas smell amazing. Like, always. Emma is the girl you propose to when you’ve checked off every other name on this list. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, and she’s British. I don’t care where she lives. You better believe when this girl talks, what’s coming out is a smooth, sweet, British accent, and I’d let her Wingardium my Leviosa any day.

Emma Watson

1. Brooke – Other girls straight up hate girls named Brooke. That’s how hot they are. Brooke doesn’t need to crop her profile picture – if she’s in the pic, you’re not looking at anyone else. She’s the kind of girl who manages to look naked no matter what she’s wearing. You know what I’m talking about. She can wreck your dick with the bat of an eyelash, so just imagine what she can do when she actually is naked. That’s why Brooke is the hottest name out there.  

Brooke Burke