The Definitive List of Hot-Girl Names

bcase's Starting 5:

5. Riley – Riley’s are exceptional, simply because girls who have unisex names try harder. Facts no printer. They spend that extra 30 seconds getting ready in the morning, they put out a little earlier than a Lauren would, and they fuck better (I presume) and it’s all because they know it’s an uphill battle. They’ve inevitably in a situation with a male Riley in the same room, and turned around to answer somebody who wasn’t talking to them. That’s what fuels their fire, that’s why they defend the name. So to all the Riley’s out there, and any other girl stuck with an ambiguous name, thanks. Your efforts have not slipped past us here at the Nard House.

Riley Keough

4. Amber – is the color of your energgyyyyy. Again, just a solid hot girl name. I’ve never ever EVER met, seen or heard of an Amber who wasn’t hot. Kinda begs the question of what kinda guy would allow their daughter to have any of these names? You’re just sealing your fate, I don’t get it at all, but I’m also smarter than to judge those men. If you convince a worthwhile girl to settle down with you I guess you gotta make some concessions, and if she’s anyway decent looking she makes ALL the rules anyway so why would naming privellages be any different? Chin up, Dads of Ambers. 

Amber Heard 

3. Olivia –Without question, she’ll be some tree-hugger who gives you a hard time about drinking out of plastic water bottles, but she’ll also be an absolute minx. Run up on you like click-clack, and you’ll swear off water bottles forever. I know it, you know it and most importantly Olivia knows it.

Take it away, John: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izkqPdVAdL4

Olivia Pickren 

2. Jade – The original leader in the hot name clubhouse, Jade is just a dick-wrecking name. Every country song I hear describing a hot girl in cut-offs, I imagine her name to be Jade. Don’t ask me why because I don’t care and it works. Every hot goth girl ever is named Jade too, there aren't a ton out there but if you look hard enough you'll find one. Bet ya zero dollars her name is Jade. If you know a Jade, send her my way because that’s a bucketlist name through and through.

Jade (from Victorious [Elizabeth Gillies] works just as well) 

1. Alexis – Just a show-stopper name. No two ways about it, an Alexis puts asses in the seats. In all seriousness though I think it’s the versatility of the name that does it for me because the common denominator between all girls named Alexis is that they’re hot. She could be JAPpy and cost you a goddamn fortune, or be some kind of wannabe-ghetto hip-hop dancer whose favorite singer is Trey Songz, a vegan hipster type. Doesn’t matter. You’ll put up with it all because her name is Alexis and she’s gorgeous. Hottest name going.

“She couldn’t afford a car, so she called her daughter Alexis.” Still a FIRE line.

Alexis Ren

Treehorn's Starting 5:

5. Candice- What a minxy name to start the countdown. It's definitely not a name that jumps out at you, but it should never be overlooked. It's not soft and flowy like the ones you'll see farther down in the count. It's a stern name, it's a dickwrecking name, it's a name that screams: "I'm a beautiful woman, but I will not hesitate to castrate." My point being example A:  Candice Swanepoel. Look at Candice's stance. She rocks worlds. She breaks cocks.  

She has been a Victoria's Secret staple for years. The Bernices and Olgas of the world simply cannot relate.

4. Zoe- Simply exotic. Let's face it, "Z's" are sexy. It's a rare letter, almost like a delicacy. It's one of those letters that we don't hear often, and it isn't "Q." Q's suck. Sorry Qate, you're not doing it for me. Anyway, the name Zoe is like a short burst of fiery energy. The name alone gets me off, and the females behind the name tend to not disappoint. Case and point, Zoe Saldana.

Nard.

That's better.

3. Scarlett- I feel that any girl named Scarlett embodies the fierceness of that strong, red color. It's a stern dickwrecker like Candice, but with an edginess to it. Instead of breaking your dick in one foul swoop, a Scarlett will slowly hack away at it while you're asleep night after night without you even fucking realizing, until you wake up one day like the dude from the Godfather, except instead of a horse head, it's your not-dick. It's great because the name has been sexy for generations.

From Scarlett O'Hara murdering dicks in 1939

To Scarlett Johansson's domination over the last decade.

Mm.

2. Jessica- Not only is Jessica the name of my absolute favorite song ever, but it is also the name of these two women:

'Nuff said.

1. Mia- Mia, Mia, Mia. FIRE name. Short, sweet, and to the point. There's no better key to a hot name than having it end in the letter "A." Couldn't tell you why, it just does the job. The best example I could think of was Mia from Degrassi: The Next Generation. Why on earth did I watch that show? Fuck you that's why. Also because of Nina Dobrev as Mia. When she arrived from Lakehurst everyone on that show wanted her instantly, even that loser J.T.. So sexy. Mia. Yes. 

I'm sorry it's not her real name. Mia beats Nina every time. Nina sucks, might as well start with a "Q".

Glenborough's Starting 5:

5. Jennifer – Jennifer really throws me off, and here’s why: as a name alone, it doesn’t do much for me. It’s like water. Not good, not bad. Just sort of there. But here’s the thing about water. It’s got infinite potential. Add some coffee grounds, some Kool-Aid mix, one of those make-your-own-soda machines, and you’ve got a FIRE beverage.

This name works the same way. You start with a cup and a half of clear, room-temp Jennifer, add a pinch of Aniston or a dash of Lawrence or a couple drops of Love-Hewitt, and what do you have? A fucking FIRE girl. Jesus Christ. I’ll take a refill.

Jennifers Love-Hewitt, Lawrence, and Aniston

4. Marisa – She’s the senior, you’re the freshmen, and for the rest of your life you’ll be reliving that one semester you had gym class together. Be honest, you popped a chub if she so much as looked in your direction. But who can blame you? She’s got those shorts rolled way up, and the shirt tied tight at the back. You didn’t stand a chance. I’m pretty sure the government sends every Marisa in the country a jar of body paint on her 18^th birthday, and with good reason (see below).

Marisa Miller

3. Allie –  Allie is your summer girl. She’s got a flower in her hair, a perfect smile, and she absolutely murders cut-offs. Now, make no mistake, you’ll have work for an Allie. You’ll be buying her drinks for weeks before she lets you lose to her in pong, but it’s alllllll worth it that first time she sits on your lap takes a sip out of your solo cup.

Allie LaForce

2. Emma – Look, Emmas smell amazing. Like, always. Emma is the girl you propose to when you’ve checked off every other name on this list. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, and she’s British. I don’t care where she lives. You better believe when this girl talks, what’s coming out is a smooth, sweet, British accent, and I’d let her Wingardium my Leviosa any day.

Emma Watson

1. Brooke – Other girls straight up hate girls named Brooke. That’s how hot they are. Brooke doesn’t need to crop her profile picture – if she’s in the pic, you’re not looking at anyone else. She’s the kind of girl who manages to look naked no matter what she’s wearing. You know what I’m talking about. She can wreck your dick with the bat of an eyelash, so just imagine what she can do when she actually is naked. That’s why Brooke is the hottest name out there.  

Brooke Burke