Dove Cameron Has Ushered in a New Era of Disney Dominance

First things first, yes this girl is of age (19) and yes in a time where we have Instagram and free porn and all this shit that it's crazy to waste a breath on a Disney star. 

Except it's not. This chick plays a pair of twins on some Disney Channel show and I for one, am doing boners. It harkens me back to a simpler time, one before booze and tinder and worries, when myself and a healthy percentage of the NH gang would fire up DC and just love the fuck out of it. Smokes on smokes and Dove here is just the next generation of that. 

Maybe the best part about this girl is that her private photos got leaked last summer and she's a MINX. So fucking hot, playing a goody two shoes on TV and then just wrecking dicks once she's off set. Give me some babe, need it. 

Niykee Heaton Scares Me

Complex Article With Video

Niykee Heaton is scary as fuck. She's at a level of hot where I'm not even enjoying it anymore, I'm just scared when I think about just what she could get me to do, it legitimately takes me to a disturbing part of my psyche. I'm writing this while on vacation in Key West on a fucking balcony overlooking the ocean, I'm in paradise right now and after seeing this all I can think about is how little effort it would take her to get me to do absolutely HEINOUS things in exchange for sex.

"Hey bcase go kill that guy, skin him and sell his organs on the black market..." *seductive eyes*
"Ummm okay sure thing baby"

...and just like that I'm Hannibal, it's preposterous. So thanks Niykee, thanks for the boner and for the frightening introspection, now I have the scaries.

PS- Bad Intentions is an absolutely FIRE song, sexy as fuck.

PPS- When I found out her name was pronounced the same as "Nicki" I fainted. Get the FUCK outta town spelling it the way she does. Thought it was  pronounced "Niy-Kee" for like months, sounded like a retarded asian trying to say Nike, I'm so dumb.Just Do It indeed.

Lil Twist Facing 25 Years in Prison for Beating Up the Massey Brothers

Yeah, those Massey brothers. Listen I don't know who Lil Twist is, I think he's a Bieber leech or something, but I gotta love him for this. Included in the TMZ report when the story first broke is that they PANTSED Chris Massey after beating his head in with brass knuckles. I couldn't think of something that funny for $1M dollars. Probably not even a billion.

Like, "Hey Chris Massey, you know how you peaked at 17, you're the less famous real-life brother of Raven Symone's TV-brother, and you were the token black guy on Zoey 101 before most of those chicks were legal? Yeah here's one more thing to celebrate, Justin Bieber's henchman leech is gonna beat you to a pulp and pull your pants down. Deal?"

I hate this story for the same reason I love it so much, NONE of these people matter. We're talking about a G-List rapper punching out a Nickelodeon kid, but I'm absolutely captivated. I just wanna hop in Twist's leased BMW and go bully the Massey's some more.

"Hey Kyle you fat piece of shit, did Anneliese van der Pol ever touch your wee-wee? OF COURSE NOT! YOURE FAT!! HAHAHAHA!!!" 
 "Hey Chris, when that toolbag Logan was throwing dick to young Victoria Justice, which Soulja Boy song were you listening to? Asking for a friend." - me bullying the Masseys.

Link to the story, with video evidence that the Masseys are exactly how you'd expect them to be. Just two mid-twenties losers throwing around insults like "They took your manhood huhuhu" to papperazzi, the worst. 

PS- Quinn from Zoey 101 lights my fire, big time.

At Least We Have Clyde

When tuning into the Knicks game fans don't really have much to be happy about. I like to play a game where I replace everyone on the court with little Okafors, because everyone playing is a an absolute joke. I'm confident that Georgia State could beat us.

But at least we have Clyde being Clyde:

No wonder Walt got his nickname from Clyde Barrow, dude is fresh as fuck, wearing the THICKEST ties in the game.  That is the equivalent of a guy sporting two lay-persons's ties next to each other. Can't get classier than Clyde, you just can't.

Also this pic is now being submitted as evidence on a theory I'm working on: Guy's ties reflect the state of their penis. 

Clyde is rocking a hammer, no question.  Soon this theory will become a law, mark my words. 

Katy Perry Fucked the Banjo Guy from Mumford & Sons

Story Here

What a day for the Banjo Community, huh? Marshall Winston here just putting the team on the back and running train on arguably the hottest/most famous girl in music. Just outrageous, look at that fingerpickin' bastard! Dude is a borderline 4, and Katy Perry is... well, she's Katy Perry, how does that work? I've been on this planet 22 years and still never understand how frumpy guys land smokes. Usually it's money, but not here. Katy's got about 56 times the amount of money than the Banjo Player from Mumford & Sons, yet she fucked him still, nuts. Not hard to imagine his finger-game is NICE, just surprising he got the opportunity.

This will be a nice little background thought for the next time I fire up some Mumford for a Sunday drive or if I'm with a girl or something. Every time the banjo comes in it'll be like, "Hah, yeah, pretty awesome that THAT guy fucked Katy Perry." Just a nice little tidbit for my own enjoyment.

The story here might be how OUTRAGEOUS it is even for Katy Perry to rebound from John Mayer with a guy who plays the banjo. John Mayer is not only on the Mt. Rushmore of 21st Century cocksmen, but he's poised to do more damage than even his fore-fathers before him, Clooney, Jeter and DiCaprio. You hear the stories about how "Your Body Is A Wonderland" is about Jennifer Love Hewitt, you remember that he outed Jessica Simpson as an absolute freakazoid and on down the list you go with conquests such as Minka Kelly, Jennifer Anniston and the like. Katy's gotta come back a lot stronger than THIS!

Bottom Line, Katy Perry needs to bang Leo to straighten all of this out, so the world gets spinning on its axis again. Props to Marshall Winston, I respect the fuck out of a guy who outkicks his coverage by that much, but let's not play around. He got lucky, she's desperate, this isn't gonna be a continuous thing. Katy Perry is in the top 1% people on the planet, Marshall Winston is not, clear as can be. Congrats bro, now let her fuck Leo in Cabo.

PS- New Mumford & Sons sucks dick. "Oh bcase stop, you're so resistant to change." Damn right I am, and you know why?? Because banjo-folk Mumford worked. It got them Grammy's, it got Marshall buns, why change it?? The new song doesn't get good until about 4/5s of the way through, and until that it's basically every song that Coldplay has released in the past 5 years. FUCK that, Coldplay is the #1 most overrated band in history, and I'm sad that a parallel can now be drawn between them and M&S. So go back, boys. Not for me, for Marshall. #FreeBanjoGuy

Happy Paddy's Day Weekend

Enjoy.

Darrelle Revis is Back with the New York Jets

Wow. Just a stunning turn of events over the past couple of days. I had a feeling as soon as Revis and the Pats hadn't gotten a deal done before 4pm on Monday, that him coming back would be a distinct possibility. That said, now that it's reality, I don't believe it at all. Absolutely Unreal.

Now the biggest challenge for me moving forward is to keep my emotions in check, and remember who it is we're dealing with here. Darrelle Revis is the best mercenary in the history of sports. He has no loyalty to anybody except himself and his accountant. He was far and away my favorite Jet during his first tenure here, and the break-up was rough for me. Now I can see a little clearer and it's nice, I'm totally prepared for another departure in a few years. I'm actually fine with it

The ironic thing about all of this is the "Coming Home" rhetoric which has taken hold of Jet Nation since the signing. No he isn't. Playing for the Jets or in NYC or "finishing what he started here" has absolutely nothing to do with it. Jets had the money, Revis was available. That's all there is to it. :Now he can retire a Jet" no he won't. If you think that, or you're holding out hope for that, stop being dumb. He retires a Jet only if they're willing ti pay him the most when the time comes. Either way fuck that, we have time to enjoy this move.

From a purely football perspective this is IMMENSE. Not only do you bring the best CB in football to your team, but you take him from a division rival. The Pats are far worse on defense today, and the Jets are far better. Revis, Buster Skrine, (probably) Cromartie... this secondary went from being maybe the worst in the league to maybe the best in 24 hours. That secondary, the ferocious DLine and a solid LB-core, Coach Bowles is going to have a BALL with this team.

#PrayForRexRyansWivesFeet

Round of applause for Mike McCagnan and the rest of the new Front Office. These fucking guys have come out SWINGING, and for the first time in probably my entire time as a Jets fan, I feel really good about the guys making decisions for this team. Woody Johnson is a pain in the ass sometimes, but credit where it's due to him as well, he listened to his advisers Casserly and Wolf, and they seemed to have steered them in the right direction with Macc. Of course, only time will tell how good these signings were, but it's hard to have a better start than the rookie GM. Marshall, Revis, Love It. Beers on me!

Revis Porn: