I Need A Blowjob

(Outfit on FLEEK)

I don't know what the fuck I just watched. The Presidents Cup Trophy winners, 7-0 All-Time at Home Rangers just took a loss down their leg. I fell for this team, hook, line and sinker but they came out like a bunch of DOGS tonight. TB played an amazing game, they deserved to win that game 11/10 times. Every loose puck, they were there. Just disappointing. Needed the Rangers, needed the escape for a little longer. Goddammt. More when I'm not 6 feet under myself. Fuck. 

Here We Go Again

 

Death, Taxes, and the Rangers playing a Game 7 at home, this time for the chance to play the Ducks/Hawks for Lord Stanley's Cup. 

Derrick fucking Brassard showed up tonight, and Rickie Nash did as well. Joined by JT Millerthose motherfuckers played lights OUT. By far our best offensive line, and when those guys are playing the way they have tonight nobody else left in the bracket can hang. 

So... Here we have it. The King back in net in Game 7 in MSG. Nash coming off a big game, the rest of the kids hitting real hard and playing with confidence. Say what you want, Rick Nash is our most important player on Friday. When he's making the most of opportunities this is an impossible team to stop. Unfortunately, im not holding my breath, this is his chance thought. To write his name in Ranger Blue and White on this town. After an incredible regular season, it's time for a signature Game 7. 

This is a FUN fucking team, and the Lightning are a more than formidable foe. If there was ever a time to break from tradition, Friday night is NOT it. Let's. Fucking. Go. Rangers. 

Knicks Lock Up the Fourth Pick. Fuck Everything.

Fuck. I mean, there's not a lot to say. The crew of fucking dogs the Knicks trotted out last year decided to win 3 out of their last six and do everything in their power to ensure this fate. Franchise in ruins, incompetent coach, front office is a joke and the highest paid player is on the wrong side of 30. Go NY Go NY Go!

Fisher- I fucking hate Derek Fisher, playing the end of the season to win was a fireable offense. Guy is completely overmatched. Melo will oust him in less than 30 games next year, no point in even bringing him back. Guy sucks. 

Phil- the Zen Master has roughly 100 days to put something together or he can kick the curb too. When it's all said in done, his hiring may go down as the most over-hyped, over-blown move on Knicks history. That is saying ALOT. 

Melo- gotta hope he can accept that this is the bed he made, and work towards moving forward as the elder statesman.  I've always been a Melo guy, but you just gotta realize that now we're stuck with eachother and make the best of it, this situation sucks. 

And there we have it. Wouldn't wish being a NYK fan on my worst enemy.

Hey Ovi, Get Fucked

What a game. What a series.What a feeling it is to know that the King is leading the Blueshirts onward to Lord Stanley's Cup while this prick takes a vodka bath in a Russian shemale brothel. Seriously, I'm absolutely shocked at how much I hate Alex Ovechkin but I can't help it. Everything from the "All Series" bullshit he was talking in Game 1 to the proclamation after Game 6, drinking his tears is repentantly satisfying. If we're being honest, 89% of it stems from his being Russian and my feelings towards that entire country. If you're a Russian and anything besides a blonde bombshell whose sole purpose on Earth is to look good, stop breathing my air.. The communism, the lack of societal etiquette, everything, FUCK Russia and Fuck Ovi most of all. What a rush.

Now on to the game. Not much to say, just grit and fucking balls. Motherfuckers laying out, taing hits, taking pucks, clearing the zone at all costs, it was magnificent. It was precisely what I don't get from the other major sports that I follow these days, heart. Fucking hockey, it's the best. Blueshirts were outplayed the entire first, held serve and had the advantage in the 2nd and 3rd, put on a poster in the early parts of OT and then BOOM, Stepan the silent assassin ends it. Give that guy a contract so I can invest in a jersey for Christ's sake. The unsung hero in so many ways in so many big spots, pay the man.

Tonight was one of those moments when after the dust settled, I sat back down, the group chat mayhem subsided, that I was reminded how lucky we are to have sports. The downs are aplenty, but the ups, man, the ups are like nothing else in the world. There are three instances that I've come across in my 22 years that make me imagine that "Can't Tell Me Nothin" is ACTUALLY playing behind me as I meander around my surroundings cocky as fuck:

1. Nailing a Job Interview - Sure call me a square, but this is awesome. Sets the tone for your entire week. It's a fleeting excitement, work is soul-crushing, but for that moment in time you're feeling yourself no doubt.
2. Nailing a Chick - Self--explanatory. Whether you're getting off the shnide and snapping a cold streak or extending a hot streak, slaying some strange is the best.
3. Playoff Success - You have no control, it shouldn't matter to you all that much, but it does. It's what separates humans from animals and ultimately men from women. As a red-blooded, sports obsessed American male, we care on a level which is absurd, stupefying and downright laughable, but can't help it. There is nothing on the world quite like the rush of your team winning big when the stakes are high.

Braden Holtby played his BALLS OFF, he absolutely did not deserve to be on the losing end of this series. If there's one guy on that slashing, communist crew of pricks who somehow rep our Nation's Capital, he's the on I feel for tonight. Come at the King though and you best not miss.

WE'RE ON TO TAMPA BAY. Gimme Stamkos, gimme Callahan, gimme the dude scoring a ton and gimme all the ex-blueshirts who need Cally to hold their hand out there on the ice. Fuck those clowns. Lightning are riding high and score a fucking ton, but Bishop ain't Hank. NYR in 7.

In Hank We Trust. #NYR

Kendall vs. Kylie: Who Ya Got?

Well, anyone with a functioning brain knew this was coming at some point, just a matter of having the time to dedicate to it. This is a question which I think defines your place in our generation: Who would you rather bang, Kendall or Kylie Jenner?   McDonalds vs. Burger King, Ford vs. Chevy, PC vs. Mac, all these debates have defined generations, now millenials have theirs, let's get to it.

Kendall: 

I mean, fuck. I've been a Kendall guy for as long as this has been a debate, and a quick look-see at these pics tells you why. Helen of Troy Face with a wildly toned body to boot, doesn't get better than that. That last picture, in the lingerie is just ridiculous, give me a CHANCE, K. Kendall has that thing where at any angle imaginable, she's absolutely gorgeous. This is a good thing 99.99% of the time, except for when it leads to complacency. She's woken up every morning of her life knowing she was the hottest piece of ass in the land, some might say she's taken that for granted, which brings me to her sister. 

Kylie:

Kylie, umm, has really kinda uhh, come into her own huh? No spare me the surgery bullshit, doesn't matter. She's been the "hot but not as hot as the other one" sister since birth. Well, now she's just taking those words and shoving them down people's throats. A face that more than gets the job done, titties on FLEEK and an ass that could win Best in Show. She's got this vibe about her that just screams, "nothing here is off limits." You know when you're in bed with a girl and she makes a suggestion for what she wants to "try" and it kinda blows your mind? Adrenaline like no other, I usually can't even respond in actual words, My entire body just spasms and I speak gibberish in compliance. Those moments are the absolute best, and I think Kylie's life is just a continuous cycle of freaky sexual suggestions. Sign me the fuck up. 

Verdict: These two have my head in such a pretzel that they've forced me to hedge my bets, something I hate to do. For one night only, it's Kylie. Can't get passed how much I think she loves sex, refuse to pass that up. 

However, if I could choose to pursue one, presumably for more than just a night it's Kendall no questions asked. Ride that modeling wave and get my ass kicked by all the jealous black guys she's already fucked who hate my guts. These two are on another.

Grading The Islanders Season... and Every Player

I can't sit here and write that I am pleased with the season, that we did better than last year by making the playoffs and so on. This season was a disappointment plain and simple. The Islanders had something to prove this year. They had to prove to the Eastern Conference that they were a threat by making a deep playoff run, and prove to the rest of the country that they were to be taken seriously. Maybe then they would get some media coverage. The lack of media attention they have received with everything going on was disgraceful... but that's a blog for another day.

I know I hadn't written any playoff blogs prior to the series or after pivotal games, but to be honest I'm a very superstitious guy and did not want to spout my mouth off saying that the Isles were a force to be reckoned with and then get their dicks collectively pushed in by Ovi and the Caps.... which is essentially what happened in Game 7. Innie city.

But listen they played a hard fought series, and the Capitals were a tough team to face in Round One. If we had landed the Penguins we would have shown Fleury no mercy, and Crosby would have been flat on his ass half of the time, crying.

So I have to give their overall playoff ranking a B. 

Now onto the individual players. Most of their rankings are pretty good because most of the team actually played a tough, gritty series, and if it wasn't for Lubo going down and the injuries to Hamonic and De Haan we would have probably come away with a series win.

Okay so here are the rankings. Because we did not win the series, I cannot award any A+'s, just like how BU does it. There are plenty of good grades however. This is really a great team nonetheless.

Jaroslav Halak ......  A-

Halak was to me the biggest question mark going into the series. Although I was a lot more confident with he between the pipes then I was with Nabakov, to me Halak had not proved during the regular season that he was the guy. Sure he set the franchise record for wins and was an extremely solid goalie, but I wasn't confident that he could handle what the Caps were going to bring. And I must tell you, Halak STOOD ON HIS FUCKING HEAD for his team. If it wasn't for his stellar play the series would have gone 5 games. Halak really impressed me and made some incredible saves, bailing out the D dozens of times. He doesn't get an A because of those couple of games where the Caps started to run train, but a lot of that was from poor defense. This series really did show me the real Halak, and that has me feeling way better about the playoff series' to come.


John Tavares ...... B+

We all expected more from JT this series, and he still did a ton to help this team get to Game 7. That just goes to show how high the expectations were for this man. He very much deserves the Hart Trophy. That goal 15 seconds into overtime was key because we would have probably lost that overtime if it went any longer. He also sneaky had 6 points (2 goals and 4 assists) with that awesome goal in Game 6. He needed one or two more great plays to bump him up to an A. There's always next year.


Kyle Okposo ...... A-

Fuck off Getty Images

Kyle Okposo embodied 'grit and balls' in this series. Two great goals, countless hits on those dirty Caps, and was in every scrap (which probably isn't smart for someone recovering from their eye hanging out of its socket.) He was the first person in when the Caps shot on Halak after the game ended. You saw it on his face, he wanted to win, but he wanted to win with these guys, whom he defended at every turn.

Johnny Boychuk ........ A

Boychuk was exactly what we needed in this series: a defender with loads of playoff experience- someone who knows what it takes to defend one of the best teams in a best of 7. He took a leadership role with that team and his play backed it up. The Islanders did a great job at shutting down Ovechkin and the Caps power play, and Boycuk was at the center of it. And so was this man:

Nick Leddy ...... A

Basically the same shit about Boychuk, but he's only fucking 24 years old! We're going to see this man in his prime and his best play showed in the playoffs. I was constantly seeing Leddy make some great recoveries on defense after the Caps would steal or make a great play driving into the Islanders zone. Just a top notch defender. He had 5 assists too.

Cal Clutterbuck ...... A

This man really set the tone for the series. Capuano started the 4th line for a reason. These guys came out hitting. And although it's usually Matt Martin at the helm, I felt that Clutterbuck really understood what it was like to play playoff hockey. You just saw such raw emotion run through him whenever he was involved in a play or a scrum. He's also that guy the team needs to yell insults at the ugly Russian sitting on the other bench. 7 goals all season, scores 2 in the series. He got it.

Matt Martin ....... B+

Matt Martin was right with Clutterbuck on setting the pace of the games with the tough hits and raw emotion when they flew out off the bench. I felt that he squandered a couple of awesome offensive chances, and was just disappointing offensively, when he is usually involved on offense. He has a year to improve on that.

Casey Cizikas ....... B+

Cizikas is one of my favorite Islanders and arguably the most underrated player on the team. He has such skill and potential and I see many more goals in his future. I was surprised see just now that he only had one goal. He scored the lone goal in that sad OT loss with 12 seconds left in the first period. I feel he needed at least one more big goal to fulfill his potential in that series. The heart was there though, he was a huge part of that 4th line.

Ryan Strome ........ B+

Strome is another one of my favorite Islanders and potentially a great player and goal scorer. He's got so much offensive skill. He scored 2 goals and had 2 assists in the series, but there were plenty of times where I though he had a great look and couldn't pull the trigger. He's another player that if he's playing better next year, the Islanders go farther.

Brock Nelson ....... B

His playoff mentality was his season mentality: score a ton of goals early on and then cool off in a big way. Brock had many chances in later games for goals that he couldn't score with. The potential is there, he just didn't capitalize on some big moments.

Josh Bailey ......... A

Bailey was involved in so many plays. Even though there were some times I thought he could have done a little more, he had 2 goals and 3 assists and just seemed to play well throughout. It was like watching the Best of Josh Bailey compilation. He knew how to turn it on.

Frans Nielsen ........ B+

Skated really hard and caught the Caps sneaking a couple of times with his sheer speed. Could have seen more from him offensively, we know it's there.

Nikolay Kulemin ....... B

Kulemin played hard throughout the series and was good to have on the ice. He created a lot of plays, however no one seemed to capitalize. Could've done more.

Thomas Hickey ........ A

Hickey, who I once thought a weak spot on the Islanders defense has really grown into his own. He finished out the season strong and held off the Caps during a tough, gritty series. He was also creating a lot of plays from the blue line and taking shots.

Brian Strait ......... A

Brian Strait was to me an even weaker spot in the Islanders defense early on the in the season and he ALSO improved steadily until the playoffs where he ALSO performed excellently. I always caught Strait making great defensive plays, and potentially saving many goals. He would be an A-, but I had to bump him up to an A for being a formed Terrier. Go BU!

Anders Lee ....... D

What happened to you man? Aside from that stretch during the regular season where he essentially carried the team he wasn't there. And he no-showed so bad in the post-season that Cappy benched him. Incredible.

Tyler Kennedy ....... D

Did you play?

Mikhail Grabovski ...... N/A

Didn't see enough action to get a grade. Would have loved to see him play the whole series. Grabovski is awesome.

Matt Donovan/Scott Mayfield ..... B+

I know Capuano "strategically" would take out these two whenever Ovechkin was on the ice, but they did clash, and these two really held their own. They were thrust into a difficult position and did a pretty good job. Would definitely keep these 2 around.

Colin McDonald ....... N/A

Didn't play enough.


Michael Grabner ....... D

You would think Grabner would play well in the playoffs, he can be such an offensive threat sometimes.

Calvin De Haan ...... B-

This young defender is going to be very good one day. He showed that throughout the series. You saw that occasionally in the playoffs. Although if he didn't get hurt we might have won.

Griffin Reinhart ....... F

He played one game, went -2, and then got sent away. Ouch


Lubomir Visnovsky ........ A

Lubo was playing so well up until Wilson laid that cheapo shot on him. Everyone knows of Lubo's concussion history, making the hit even cheaper. Fucking bastard. I really hope Lubo is okay and his career isn't now over. He's 38, and with all of those concussions who knows. He's a great veteran presence and a great player. I really hope he's okay.

I Don't Fuck With Girls Who Don't Paint Their Nails

This has potential to be the weirdest post so far I think, but it's a long-standing belief I've had that I need to get off my chest. I simply can't stand when girls don't paint their nails.

I think it's a lot less the aesthetics as it is the principle of it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not coming CLOSE to considering some broad with big-ass man hands, no shot no matter how on-fleek the mani is. I got small hands so if a girl has meaty claws I'm fucking out, but that's besides the point. 

Bare nails are a sign of one of the following three things: 

1. Laziness- can't knock it, I'm lazy as fuck but I don't need a lazy chick to make me lazier.

2. Didn't get around to it- totally fair, I live my life "getting around to" tasks, but it's bitten me in the ass a bunch. Well ladies, now it's biting you. Guess you can't (still, totally can) date a financially burdened smut peddler, sucks to be you. 

3. Anti establishment, "I don't need to prove my beauty" bullshit- fuck outta here babe. I gel my hair and trim my beard, in hopes that girls will fuck me. Do the same and paint your nails, it just looks nicer. 

Incredibly overthought, fetish-bordering rant: compete.