I Need A Blowjob

(Outfit on FLEEK)

I don't know what the fuck I just watched. The Presidents Cup Trophy winners, 7-0 All-Time at Home Rangers just took a loss down their leg. I fell for this team, hook, line and sinker but they came out like a bunch of DOGS tonight. TB played an amazing game, they deserved to win that game 11/10 times. Every loose puck, they were there. Just disappointing. Needed the Rangers, needed the escape for a little longer. Goddammt. More when I'm not 6 feet under myself. Fuck. 

Here We Go Again

 

Death, Taxes, and the Rangers playing a Game 7 at home, this time for the chance to play the Ducks/Hawks for Lord Stanley's Cup. 

Derrick fucking Brassard showed up tonight, and Rickie Nash did as well. Joined by JT Millerthose motherfuckers played lights OUT. By far our best offensive line, and when those guys are playing the way they have tonight nobody else left in the bracket can hang. 

So... Here we have it. The King back in net in Game 7 in MSG. Nash coming off a big game, the rest of the kids hitting real hard and playing with confidence. Say what you want, Rick Nash is our most important player on Friday. When he's making the most of opportunities this is an impossible team to stop. Unfortunately, im not holding my breath, this is his chance thought. To write his name in Ranger Blue and White on this town. After an incredible regular season, it's time for a signature Game 7. 

This is a FUN fucking team, and the Lightning are a more than formidable foe. If there was ever a time to break from tradition, Friday night is NOT it. Let's. Fucking. Go. Rangers. 

Knicks Lock Up the Fourth Pick. Fuck Everything.

Fuck. I mean, there's not a lot to say. The crew of fucking dogs the Knicks trotted out last year decided to win 3 out of their last six and do everything in their power to ensure this fate. Franchise in ruins, incompetent coach, front office is a joke and the highest paid player is on the wrong side of 30. Go NY Go NY Go!

Fisher- I fucking hate Derek Fisher, playing the end of the season to win was a fireable offense. Guy is completely overmatched. Melo will oust him in less than 30 games next year, no point in even bringing him back. Guy sucks. 

Phil- the Zen Master has roughly 100 days to put something together or he can kick the curb too. When it's all said in done, his hiring may go down as the most over-hyped, over-blown move on Knicks history. That is saying ALOT. 

Melo- gotta hope he can accept that this is the bed he made, and work towards moving forward as the elder statesman.  I've always been a Melo guy, but you just gotta realize that now we're stuck with eachother and make the best of it, this situation sucks. 

And there we have it. Wouldn't wish being a NYK fan on my worst enemy.

Hey Ovi, Get Fucked

What a game. What a series.What a feeling it is to know that the King is leading the Blueshirts onward to Lord Stanley's Cup while this prick takes a vodka bath in a Russian shemale brothel. Seriously, I'm absolutely shocked at how much I hate Alex Ovechkin but I can't help it. Everything from the "All Series" bullshit he was talking in Game 1 to the proclamation after Game 6, drinking his tears is repentantly satisfying. If we're being honest, 89% of it stems from his being Russian and my feelings towards that entire country. If you're a Russian and anything besides a blonde bombshell whose sole purpose on Earth is to look good, stop breathing my air.. The communism, the lack of societal etiquette, everything, FUCK Russia and Fuck Ovi most of all. What a rush.

Now on to the game. Not much to say, just grit and fucking balls. Motherfuckers laying out, taing hits, taking pucks, clearing the zone at all costs, it was magnificent. It was precisely what I don't get from the other major sports that I follow these days, heart. Fucking hockey, it's the best. Blueshirts were outplayed the entire first, held serve and had the advantage in the 2nd and 3rd, put on a poster in the early parts of OT and then BOOM, Stepan the silent assassin ends it. Give that guy a contract so I can invest in a jersey for Christ's sake. The unsung hero in so many ways in so many big spots, pay the man.

Tonight was one of those moments when after the dust settled, I sat back down, the group chat mayhem subsided, that I was reminded how lucky we are to have sports. The downs are aplenty, but the ups, man, the ups are like nothing else in the world. There are three instances that I've come across in my 22 years that make me imagine that "Can't Tell Me Nothin" is ACTUALLY playing behind me as I meander around my surroundings cocky as fuck:

1. Nailing a Job Interview - Sure call me a square, but this is awesome. Sets the tone for your entire week. It's a fleeting excitement, work is soul-crushing, but for that moment in time you're feeling yourself no doubt.
2. Nailing a Chick - Self--explanatory. Whether you're getting off the shnide and snapping a cold streak or extending a hot streak, slaying some strange is the best.
3. Playoff Success - You have no control, it shouldn't matter to you all that much, but it does. It's what separates humans from animals and ultimately men from women. As a red-blooded, sports obsessed American male, we care on a level which is absurd, stupefying and downright laughable, but can't help it. There is nothing on the world quite like the rush of your team winning big when the stakes are high.

Braden Holtby played his BALLS OFF, he absolutely did not deserve to be on the losing end of this series. If there's one guy on that slashing, communist crew of pricks who somehow rep our Nation's Capital, he's the on I feel for tonight. Come at the King though and you best not miss.

WE'RE ON TO TAMPA BAY. Gimme Stamkos, gimme Callahan, gimme the dude scoring a ton and gimme all the ex-blueshirts who need Cally to hold their hand out there on the ice. Fuck those clowns. Lightning are riding high and score a fucking ton, but Bishop ain't Hank. NYR in 7.

In Hank We Trust. #NYR

Kendall vs. Kylie: Who Ya Got?

Well, anyone with a functioning brain knew this was coming at some point, just a matter of having the time to dedicate to it. This is a question which I think defines your place in our generation: Who would you rather bang, Kendall or Kylie Jenner?   McDonalds vs. Burger King, Ford vs. Chevy, PC vs. Mac, all these debates have defined generations, now millenials have theirs, let's get to it.

Kendall: 

I mean, fuck. I've been a Kendall guy for as long as this has been a debate, and a quick look-see at these pics tells you why. Helen of Troy Face with a wildly toned body to boot, doesn't get better than that. That last picture, in the lingerie is just ridiculous, give me a CHANCE, K. Kendall has that thing where at any angle imaginable, she's absolutely gorgeous. This is a good thing 99.99% of the time, except for when it leads to complacency. She's woken up every morning of her life knowing she was the hottest piece of ass in the land, some might say she's taken that for granted, which brings me to her sister. 

Kylie:

Kylie, umm, has really kinda uhh, come into her own huh? No spare me the surgery bullshit, doesn't matter. She's been the "hot but not as hot as the other one" sister since birth. Well, now she's just taking those words and shoving them down people's throats. A face that more than gets the job done, titties on FLEEK and an ass that could win Best in Show. She's got this vibe about her that just screams, "nothing here is off limits." You know when you're in bed with a girl and she makes a suggestion for what she wants to "try" and it kinda blows your mind? Adrenaline like no other, I usually can't even respond in actual words, My entire body just spasms and I speak gibberish in compliance. Those moments are the absolute best, and I think Kylie's life is just a continuous cycle of freaky sexual suggestions. Sign me the fuck up. 

Verdict: These two have my head in such a pretzel that they've forced me to hedge my bets, something I hate to do. For one night only, it's Kylie. Can't get passed how much I think she loves sex, refuse to pass that up. 

However, if I could choose to pursue one, presumably for more than just a night it's Kendall no questions asked. Ride that modeling wave and get my ass kicked by all the jealous black guys she's already fucked who hate my guts. These two are on another.